The Shit Storm Since 2012 written July 28th 2017

Here is a take on the past 6 years of my life- it kind of just flowed out today. Its in regards to two of the more traumatizing relationships i endured and seem to be karmically releasing today!
This is a release that is corded to my deepest wounds of abandonment. Everyday this gets burnt by the fire and in process of being "cut". There are so many layers and splinters that have to be assess though and this has been a work in progress since childhood-long before betrayal of "men" came into play. That in particular goes as deep as my Opa (dads father) screaming at me when i was 10 that "i am as stupid as my mother" (for taking a walk mind you when i was feeling lonely and my dad said i can go for a walk anytime i felt need for therapy- these are people who tried to control whether or not i could or couldnt call my mom in their house- during my parents divorce.) This went deeper than just my biological mother- at the time it seems Gaia and the Divine Mother felt that hatred he has for "the mother" and ive carried that burden for some time- that deeper level of abandonment and betrayal of the collective man to the collective feminine energy! My mission has always been to bring this into consciousness and balance - for its all kinds of wonkey!

Its been a long road of self discovery and forgiveness and unconditional love for ALL. I know i am hardly finished but the fact i can speak of these things and not feel suffering or that "backstab" to the heart kind of pain in the remembrance of them- that is proof that it is being released and surrendered and Let go of completely! No longer will the old karmic patterns play a tole or take my soul hostage! And if it does- thats An opportunity to do some alchemy and get that darkness transmuted into light- remove the polarity!

The Divine threw me into some hella Storm back in 2010- was divorced by 2012 (shoulda been 2011). They showed me in my marriage to leave about 2 months in the relationship when i was 16- but my naive heart stayed for two kids just for him to meet/have an affair with what i assume may be his twin flame in 2010/2011 when i was pregnant with our son (already have a 4 year old daughtger at the time).

It tore us apart thats all im gotta say- that trauma was a hard lesson- a 6 year lesson i wasnt getting about relationships and forgiveness and my core abandonment and betrayal wound. I attracted karmics and other soul mates after that- all deep lessons into this karmic pattern id come into rooting to my core abandonment and fear of rejection wound.

I finally left my ex brandon July 22 2015- who was even worse than what id experienced with my ex husband- that is what i am releasing today for he still often plaques my mind. I left him after a year and a half of sacrifice and hell i was becoming aware i was being tested to say NO to from the beginning- but i was just awaking and not as knowing of twin flames- or how to intuitively trust things- id just discovered the concept in 2013/2014 and what a starseed was!

I finally left him because our dinamics werent changing. That is a red flag to me after sacrificing 2 years of my time and life i needed to use HEALING; he also cost me about 20K in debts. I had already wasted 8 years with my childrens father- not wanting to repeat the karmic cycle of that which in many ways thats all Brandon was- was the final "test" for me. I told him if he wasnt on this spiritual bandwagon with me to change our lives and put "God/ the divine" as number and contribute equally on an energetic level- and for Spirit to be as the center of our reltionship- i would leave. He was killing me! Thats what i was forced to do- he remained in 3D victimhood .attempting to control and scream at me when i was finally ending it- pissed i was so "calm",after all his emotional abuse after a year and a half it was hard to keep this composure but the only way i knew he would have no grounds to throw ammo at me or make me feel guilt or shame for my choices to separate was to be calm and composed refusing to enter into an argument i was being invited to (tools my mom learned in Al-Anon) and watch while hed fly off the handle. Acting like i dont care when it was him who didnt give a shit the past year! He was "winging" everything- i dont need to "wing" shit when i have divine guidance and support on what to do already and he wasnt getting that!

He couldnt keep a job and would blame "his disabilities" just always wanting people to save and feel sorry for him. Like he got a golden ticket through life but no one else was allowed it. As a single mom barely making it by i now had a "man" who should have kept his side of the deal to keep a job and pay his own way/half the bills if i took him from being homeless lin his broken car into an apartment and new dream truck! instead since i took the risk the weight was all on my shoulders and it was "all my fault" when HIS choices and negative mindset is the one who manifested the outcome we got- which i warned him about from the start would happen if he didnt change it! there was no 50/50 in any way! hed scream at me for writing a list of chores needed done while i was at work because he would ALWAYS conveniently forget and use that as an excuse to not do anything! Id have to put the overflowing trash IN FRONT of the front door in order for him g MAYBE see it and take it down to the dumpster (we where third floor) when he went out to smoke (since i woudlnt allow it in my house!)

My twin doesnt have a job but i dont have to scream at him like a 15 year old to help with chores around the house and keep his body clean! Within the first 8 months or so of our relationship he quit smoking cigarettes! That and he has government assistance for his federal court approved disabilities- so the system pays the rent and gives him food stamps (though just barely enough so i cover most the food and pay a few bills and we smoke MMJ but he pitches as much as he can, he moved me out of my dads and in with him taking a risk- i stay under the radar- "live next door as caretaker"). He also massages me when i request which to me is a good form of energy exchange and i love it! Brandon would bitch about his hands all the time. Barely did anything other than trying to have sex.
He was the most ignorant fool alive- yet would project "ignorance" he saw all around him! All i learned is how ignorant I was at one point and thank god im not that stupid to keep carrying on that way my entire life! I will help homeless people and get them a sandwich and hold space for them now- but i wont save them or anyone at this point! Your heart is where your hime is and you will find your home once you listen to your heart. Thats he hardest leason here

He was terrified of our paradigm and my new found "religion" he called it but i would scream at him im not religious- i hate religion- That GOD IS NOT RELIGION GOD IS LOVE and does he see me going to fucking church!? No! If i do its Mile High (science temple) At the time id visit a hindu temple with my best Goddess friend ellie every few weeks! This was around oct 23 2014 when she gave me my first amethyst crystal! I had no social interaction besides her and work because HE FEARED THE WORLD AND DIDNT TRUST ANYONE! He even thought the friends we moved in with for majority of our relationship where "shadey" but he was more so than them!

That limitation (which i myself was breaking free from finally and i was courageously coming out of the spiritual closet id always lived in) drove me to madness! Plus all he ever cared about was the news and all the conspiracy theories! Though the theories intrigued me i wanted to throw the TV out the window if all it was used for was the news and stupid ass $60 Wrestling or dumb cooking shows or "realIty" TV shows or video games that cost me an arm and a leg! The deepest he knew of my new world was Ancient Aliens and that was just scratching the surface of what i practically woke up KNOWING EYE AM ONE! I coudlnt stand it! I was too well aware of the media world empathically and on a consciouse level to have it in the background 24/7-It was painful! Plus he threw a fit when i even brought up the want to start working on a lifestyle change in my diet to vegetarian or vegan- and my kids- where i would need equal support or effort to accomplish it in a relationship. He wasnt on board. If i was ever going to marry a man again these are "bars" he must align to. He assumed i kept raising that bar and he had no time to catch up. I told him my expectations before we ever got into a dedicated relationship and my life is changing at a quantum rate! He didnt seem to take me seriously when he begged me to give him a month to prove his deservingness of "me", i gave him a year and a half- thats my own inability to say no and not lower myself to save others. I have learned i do not have to sacrifice myself in such a way anymore and in this lesson i learned the power of emotional detachment and laying essential boundaries! To not give myself away for those unwilling to raise to higher states of consciousness. I was able to gage the energies of those in "receptive/willingness to do the work and deal with their darkness and those who are in such resistance that you have to detach and brace yourself to pay witness to their own karmic backlashes and downfalls and manifestations in refusal to listen to their oversoul's true guidance which is not part of the ego-critic or broken inner child.

It was hard enough trying to get him to take a regular shower- (CLEANSING HIS AURA) and he wonders why i stopped having sex with him- my soul was so disgusted with his energy and mind so it had no willingness for much affection or to take on anymore of his entities physically.then the bed bugs appeared on his side of the bed and in my kids rooms and thats the BIGGEST sign of low ass energy so i finally said IM OUT IM DONE FINITO BE GONE!

In the move I fell out with Some friends who helped me by letting me stay with them for a month though they briefly got twisted in the mix of things , just as he twisted my mind he w so theirs also! We needed to leave the bed bug apts and i had to deal with the remainder two months of the lease and get my stuff out before they got infested! Most this i did alone or with help from other friends hed had problems with before; he refused to help or be responsible. (I have major PTSD with bed bugs and any bugs now due to these traumas. Bed bugs first showed up in our home/apartment when i was living with my ex husband; during the time his newly fount "best friend" - woman- would hang out 24/7 and be in our apartment; before the whole affair and truth of their "emotions and feelings" for one another started to come to oblivious surface and i thought we where equally friends only to be shown what a fool i was) but as we where in this transition i wasnt just gunna leave him stranded and homeless again and no where to go. I set it up that he could live with my friends and be neutral with me as they where close ones of mine id still regularly visit regardless of our split but id give him a few weeks of space. I arranged a diff place to live and he automatically assumed i was cheating on him. Id warned him for months by the end of our lease i would have a final decision whether id stay with him or not and that all depended on his choices or action and or laziness. He didnt get the clue i guess. Him having a new job my friends got him for a few days wasnt gunna convince me to stick around a second longer; I was at a point where "keep it for a year and then maybe we can talk".
I had laid my boundaries said that and within a month all this happened. I was told in an astrological reading when i got my mala beads that by july 15th 2015 everything would change including all the people i was with at the time- id soon find a special love this would go well into 2017z Indeed this all came to be true prophecies and revelations! Needless to say id had my mind made up and had told him if he didnt have a job and could pay his half of everything, my foot was down and he was SOL with me helping him. If that meant he got thrown out by my friends and forced to live in the truck i bought him (the only thing, besides being conned out of my sugar gliders; that i allowed him to keep) he caused a lot of issues and had all these expectations and demands of me. Hes an addict also so i had to put my foot down and stop letting him have control over my MMJ- because itd be gone and out of my pocket to relace. He started bumming cigs and crap off my friend- who then bitched at me to replace and i told him at the very beginning before our relationship i will never fund the death of his lungs/smoking- thats on him or he quits. He showed no signs or intent to quit in the time we dated. Even having no money for cigs hed con the neighbors (i think he even stole their car and sold the radio and speakers in it then abandoned the car- the criminal was never found but our neighbor saw an add on Craigslist for what went missing and saw his boots in the photo. The day before any of this happened (and i didnt find out about their suspicion of him being the culprit until after i broke it off with him) i had a weird feeling- a vision in my mind, i saw their car pulling in from work in then evening and the thought and feeling went through my body "that car is not going to be here tomorrow- someones gunna steal it" i thought i was insane to think that- but during a time everyone was sleeping and a time only brandon or others in our apartment complex would know no one is monitoring the vehicle- is when it was stolen. And brandon was "conveniently awake doing whatever in the living room" he claimed whoever it was had this planned because they where quiet and even "he" didnt notice anyone taking off with it. And magically the next day its found stripped and abandoned not far from where we live. All i needed was to see that picture of his boots to know that i was being warned about the deception of this man and that i was not safe or anyone around him was not safe from his schemes. He was a trixter and puts on a show as a good decent person but really is a nasty nasty cold hearted shell of a walk out!

It came to heads when i was trying to gather some of my essential work things at our friends house where we both resided and he was demanding i give him his truck title and leave the house immediately. I reminded him it was a courtesy of MY FRIENDS; not his; and MY MONEY and decision to put the truck in his name that he still had a fucking place to live or vehicle to "work"/ boast about and should get the fuck out of my face or hed get nothing at all! He felt because i controlled the finances and his paychecks had to go to me (for the little work he had and insurmountable bills we had mostly for him) he felt restricted- had no control or say- and he didnt because he refused to step into that responsibility- adulting and growing up comes with that! He screamed at me he didnt care to stay away from him and leave. I wanted to believe- anything but being around him! After all id done for him and in his eyes "i never did anything for him im just a OCD control freak"-i was using him apparently while he was the vampire sucking me dry the whole time. He wasnt gettin the picture plain as day as to WHOS SOUL WAS SACRIFICING MORE! I was done... with his shit. My fuck o meeter turned on into the red zone. To be completely cut off by a libra is not something to boast about! You basically enter your own mirrored hell!

As i expected his "new job" only lasted a week and the day after i split it off with him he was fired. I warned him with his attitude he would be if he went in and complained like he was to me and was talking about making a huff with that attitude. I said this after he bitched about how all the mexicans where getting paid $10 and they hardly did any work that day, all he has was nasty complaints. Nothing positive like "its nice to finally have a job; your friends where kind to hook me up! Hopefully once i show im a good worker ill get a raise to make more than $9 per hour!" Instead "these ass holes arent worth more than me! I did all the work" though supposedly that day "they stood around all damn day *so got paid to do nothing* and unloaded maybe a truck or two" which "every guy in site where all lazy besides him". I can see through bull shit by this point and I didnt believe him and pointed out how hes contradicting himself; he didnt like that and said "why cant i just vent like you do everyday", i told him i dont have anything to vent about and at that point in time he was more of burden i needed to vent about than ANYTHING ELSE and thats because of his negative attitude and entitlement arrogance! Thats when it started to spiral; i assumed he didnt even read the letter i wrote and i knew he didnt- he said he woudlnt and it was then and there the day before i knew it had to end. I poores my heart and soul out into it. it had key things in it that expressed my need for change like saying "do you like that dick" when we had sex- total turn off. My final attempt to connect physically was the day after my letter and day before i forgot my phone at home on the bed on accident; i had facebooked him at work to tell him about it and that id be home around 10 after womens group. i come home an hour later at 11 from attending my womens group (making plans and decision to leave him and move out) and i get home to him slouched in a chair in front of the garage with a cig in his hand- worst look on his face. I hear his negative paranoid mind instantly. I try to approach with a sweet tone and he screams at me "where have you been!!! Ive looked ALL OVER for your phone its no where to be found; Your an hour late what the fuck has been going on. Working long hours and then gone until 11pm!" i told him i told him what my plans where and im a fucking adult and just because im an hour late and forgot my phone at home (i think the angels made this happen) gives him no reason to treat me this way. I am not his fucking cheaking skank ex who told him on her death bed that shes been fucking his best friends for a year behind his back and doesnt love him!" I had genuine love for him and his own bull shit and past blew it up and took me for granted! He mentioned the phone again- i went inside to look for it and it was on the end of the bed with the end of the blanket flipped over it. I grab it and took it outside to him and said "you looked EVERYWHERE but the most obvious place to look- what are you BLIND or just lazy and quick to temper and blame!" Its then that i told him I am moving out and sick of how he emotionally attacks me- a hig and "im sorry baby ill keep trying" wasnt gunna keep me around anymore. The trying never turned into ACTION of any kind! he can stay there but i was done and gone for the sake of myself; my friends and my kids!!!!

I told him He needs to provide and take responsibility for himself- put some big boy briefs on, some that isnt provided by "mommy" to cradle his adult balls otherwise if he winds up homeless its not my burden to bare anymore; he went back to the cheating thing "where are you going and who is he?! How long have you been seeing him and leading me on?!". I looked at him strait in the eyes and said "its not a fucking man helping me- fuck men at his point and the dicks hat hang off of them! My goddess Ellie- the person you hear me refer to as my best friend or soul SiStar is letting me stay with her!" Then he went to the next issue- who gets to keep what from our apartment even tho everything was MINE and in credit to MY name. Even the apartment was. This is what caused the biggest fight and i learned i can literally handle anything on my own- i dont need a man to help or save me- ill do it MYSELF with fellow Goddesses! Heres the worst for him; No more xbox or tv for him- no nothing but his truck which he was lucky i didnt choose to keep. I mattered nothing to him- these materialistic things meant more to him than us because if he really gave a shit about me he would have said "i dont want any of it, youre what mattered to me and now thats gone." His inability to show this is what lost me. No true soul connection just a man running around with his ego going SQUACK SQUACK SQUACK!

I knew it would cost me a few friends in the time and place it occurred; i did loose them all. All but one remains this day that is the only SiStar named Krystal who i cared about deeply for and equally wanted her to leave her abusive relationship with our friend whos actions where breaking my heart because he was playing with hers the way my ex husband had with mine both of our "cases" involving another woman named Amanda (the now fiance of my ex husband- the affair woman). Now even after giving him a baby girl theres no effort from our friend (shares same name as my ex husband) to be a decent spouse: she finally left him and she lives near me again and is recuperating from that environment i left in 2015- here as goddess's to eternally uplift one another.

Back to the story; During our massive blowout that drove everyone to the brink (my SiStar pregnant at the time unknowingly); i couldnt find brandons title cuz he was chasing me around the house screaming at me- my friends where about to step in afraid he was gunna physically abuse me. I told him to buy a new one and left. I left him and moved in with my siStar for a month; i left him and all the bull shit drama he brought to the table in every direction of my life and then theirs, but that was their choice to believe his dumb ass over my warnings. He wanted to own me- no thanks! You cant own a goddess and im not that broken- what did i look like a fool!!!???

and after 6 months i get a hold of the the one friend i did give a crap about it all effecting our relationship (he turned my friends against me- made me look and just sound like a crazy bitch- they saw the blowout and thought I was bringing my drama to their home- it was all brandon and he just kept getting worse- i was afraid to live with him alone anymore and trapped in the abusive relationship.) During that three weeks of hell i was telling him to shut the fuck up and stop complaining and being entitled or to leave- a 10 hour letter was written after he doghoused himself in his truck and i didnt run after him feeling sorry for him when i got home and was upset hed smoked my MMJ- not much left and id hoped he WAIT till i got home- a respect thing he failed but i brushed off my shoulder until he stared turning it on me while we where smoking and making hints he wanted attention but actin like a 3 year old trying to demand it. No way being a loving adult. My anxiety was out the roof. he was a narcissistic two faced manipulative prick and victimized and ignorant boy with so many deep core wounds that i couldnt be with someone unwilling to face that shit; someone to scream at me "let it go!" When he himself wouldnt and was the cause of all my PTSD relationship triggers. I was repeating the worst cycle of my life all over again! I told him over and over i cant love someone like him until i fully love myself and i left, lets keep it at that.

My friends dealt with him for 6 months until i decided to unblock and approach them again. Hed tagged along to the mountains with them and he was using them as he did me- just consumed and leached- would get a job just to quit or be fired due to his temper. He squanders his paycheck and paid no mind to the electric bill his heater made. My friends saw i wasnt the crazy one- he drove me to that state of madness; he was- if there They exist- a lost cause! I dont say that about people with my expanded heart but theres no other way of putting it with this guy. My friends got sick of his idiocracy and he went back to new mexico to his parents - no title in hand (though they used me and it to threaten him when trying to get his loitering ass to leave and move out- the though of the bitch coming for an visit scared him enough!) he returned home to who the parents he was dead set on hating his whole life and trying to "escape"- aint that the shit he was forced to deal with his karma- who knows what hes up to now. I dont care not my drama! Supposedly he was scitsofrentic (sp) but even my twin deals with the same disorder but rises above it- doesnt sit as a victim- has more control over it as he knows what it really is (were mediums!) and listens to me and i can listen to him with no ego and judgment attached.

Point is until i dealt with this shit and truly left relationships like that- and chose not to engage with such people anymore- i remained blocked and my ability to manifestation of my twin wasnt open- he wouldnt be able to appear in the 3D until i did- it was an essential step to take on my own- to take my own power back and lay boundaries and truly love and choose MYSELF! I was searching for my twin and dating a little the following year but remained open and not in committed relations- just buying time focused on me and comfortable enough to wait and be patient and act as if i was already living my life with him there; preparing a sacred space for us in the physical and heart.

Biggest test of my life! My twin was there 5.4 miles away ALL ALONG doesnt matter where i went he was there at one point to! This has all been shown! Im just happy hes here now and im able to see why it was all necessary and find clarity! With this has brought insurmountable spurts of joy into my being and life! it was worth all the heartbreak and loss and sacrifices it took to get here!!! All was part of the Divine Order of things and now were being greatly rewarded in blessings!

Namaste for listening to this chapter of my life so i can here on this day full release it from energy field. With AA michael and all beings that love me unconditionally; i now sever these cords completely in all paradigms of time and space for eternity. So mote it be by the powers of three.

Word eye am word
Eye am light divine
Eye am love subline
Eye am peace beyond space and time
Word eye am word with this intention
Eye know who eye am
Eye know what eye am
Eye know how eye serve
Eye am here
Eye am here
Eye am here
Atma Namaste beloveds