I have a lot of pain revolving around my ex husband Ben, His wife-person to be Amanda, my mother Laura, my father Peter, My sister Taura and many other family members, also friends (Heather and her daughter Becky) and other committed karmic relationships i've been involved in (not ALL horrifying but the majority of them where). It has been hard for me to learn to trust any of these individuals in my journey, and they are all who have hurt me the most, some still remain in my life others have faded away; yet i have no choice in the matter of their involvement in my life now and hence forth. This is a story I don't even know where i should or would begin but spirit forced it out today; i had no choice in the matter to NOT write, it just started pouring out and is what i've resisted to write the past 5 years. So I hope it's the beginning of a story i wish to revise and publish into the world someday.
around the same time frame that my mom made the "rebel" comment; which actually deeply hurt me and triggered me to write this all day because it ties into why i feel like such a mistfit; on that particular day i was given permission for a visitation with my kids with her at a church swimming thing. She has always seemed to have disdain for the "rebel" within me. There has always been a "wrongness" in her eyes, and all of a sudden even those i knew as the ultimate rebels like my ex husband where trying to tell me i wasnt allowed to be one unless they told me I could be. This was a moment a piece of me almost died and that spark with me was severely watered down.
Crook and Flail, Flail and Crook; I now declare with intention clear; I am a sovereign being of love Divine
I call back my power full and complete; I break all vows of giving away my authority
Release that lie that my authority may be taken from me; I surrender only to the light of my own Divine Essence
Crook and Flail, Flail and Crook; I now declare with intention clear; I am a sovereign being of love Divine
- Magic Of Isis By Alana Fairchild
Ben believed and insulted me during our divorce and was trying to lead others to believe that I was "a druggy mother, preaching Christianity and practicing prostitution all in front of our children's (Elijah and Grace) fragile minds"; when in reality that was a mirror of what HE was doing himself within his affair and dealings with me. That was also a curse from him and unnecessary suffering taken on; on my part of guilt, shame and grief. Yes some of the things he claimed I did, I did to a certain degree. But he makes a period of less than 5 months and fabricating things i had done making them sound "appalling" like I was doing it my entire life. He was so quick to "hang me up on the cross" when our entire relationship all i did was hold him up, or thought that's what i was doing, until Amanda came and somehow did it better. i compared myself too much to others before that and post this trauma it just got worse. but it was all so painful That because of that one moment I should have my children forever held from me. In time i started to place myself in his shoes, believe me I only did this because God told me to. I started learning in many ways how I also did this same thing to him, projecting out fears that he would manifest certain things. those fears turned into reality and he did everything i believed to be horrendous under the sun. I cursed him, he cursed me, soon enough we're mirroring so much shit we're in a lightning storm thats breaking mirrors and turning forest into blazing fires. I wouldn't forgive him, he was begging for forgiveness. I said i did but i truly did not. My conflict of energy to the universe created a shit storm. I refused to learn forgiveness through him, that was my greatest resistance, being open to learn anything further through him or give him any credit for who i am today. at one point I felt and lied to myself that My only mistake in our relationship was giving my power away and to him and the moment i decided to take that power back, he like any narcissist pulled all the ammo he could in vengeance. From a low perceptive this was a horror, on my higher perspective it's a double edge sword i threw at myself. He had right in the best interest of our kids to do that, but at the same time he did not. I was so conflicted, i understand why now but at the time i did have a clue. He was a mirror of me as much as i was a mirror of him. He was right when we battle "fire with equal fire".
I responded in pain at first, most my cries only being heard on facebook because in reality i could never win with him, we would always cast blame at one another, never get deeper in the healing process. It was easier not to talk to him at all or have any involvement with his friends or life. I cut myself from everything and anything i ever knew with him. It came to the point i was forced into therapy (me and Grace), I was loosing it and for me as a mother of two children that wasnt okay, i needed to stay strong and be their star and strength of this crumbling family. I wanted full custody of them and to become the roll model they need. i gave birth to my children for a reason, they are my Angels, my stars, here to help transform this world, this i ALWAYS had faith in. I was trying to rectify the damage or domino effect of karma that was created in our lives from the betrayal and abandonment i felt him and his now might as well be 'wife', it all had left a deep wound in my heart and I was left to pick up the pieces on my own. All i wanted was to be left alone with my children and to attempt to live a happy life in peace. God has too much destined for me to get away "that easy".
Love and light peace and power
Miracle healing descends this hour
The wings of Isis drenched with feeling
Nothing escapes Her miracle healing
Surrendered to Her from my heart so true
Which is now exactly what I choose to do
Gratitude to Isis for the miracle coming to me
Her love and grace now set me free
-Magic Of Isis By Alana Fairchild
I always wondered where was the "fairness" that he could "do whatever he wanted but i could not". He seemed insistent i listen to only his guidance but i felt manipulated by him so i resisted any and all he wished to give to me because how was it fair that He can tell me he doesnt love me anymore when im pregnant with his son and just go have an affair with our best friend; during and after the birth of our son,her taping the whole thing the whole night long; remain in relationship with her and use her to passively harass me and drive me literally mad-sad into suicide for to attempt to gain custody and replace me as a mother, But I could only have allowance to do as I please if he had custody of the kids while i did so. he has felonies so he should have never had full custody of our kids to begin with, i swore i could do the healing necessary with them in my custody (at least thats what i was lead to believe when everyone said "he can never take them from you" and i had a fear that he would do anything to try because i wouldn't let him be my "friend" anymore and take his advice. He has felonies from him having such a temperamental and abusive history in his own past (my "record" is clean), I had all the power to have custody. Only thing he could use against me is my possible "over emotional state" being a danger to my children. I told everyone he was the cause of my anxiety; they didn't pay head to my words. At one point he went along stating i had multi personality disorder, it again triggered me into deep depression and anxiety. (which i do not see this as a "disorder" anymore... i am very much in order but i'm known as a shape-shifter and i pride myself in the fact i can be do diverse-able and have a Camelian Midas touch).
I went through a phase after our divorce; as any human being should be allowed (Fortunately he did it earlier in life before we had kids and I being almost 4 years younger i had kids early in life with him and it wasn't until i lost "my everything" aka him; that i had the urge to even experience any of these phases; to date, attempt making new connections and friend; try drinking (not my thing) and various drugs. this period of my life is very limited to say 5 months and he tried to guilt me with experiencing various drugs (this would be during the times he actually would take the kids for any sort of parental time) that once in his past he binged on and doing things he never thought i'd ever do. My parents also. He was into more sexual relations and drug abuse even I refused to go to such "limits" in this
lifetime so Again i felt Hippocratic faces all around him and he made me sick when he tried to use it against me to have the children taken out of my custody and get my own mother and her husband at the time on his side to support him. He was wringing in my very blonde sister too. Bare in mind
i've never had a good relationship with her from the beginning of life, and a conversation i had with her one night in which my father was too drunk to watch my kids; my sister said some stuff that send me over the edge trying to tell me I need to focus on my kids when thats ALL i ever did focus on and that i need to stop "playing the victim"; i told her to butt out of my life because she wouldn't even listen to me long enough to know what i was REALLY going through, she practically missed my cries for help and fear for my daughter and asking her opinion on what to do with her and my friends daughter who i will explain a little later what happened between them, and she told me to keep it quit amungst the family, not to ask or trust my parents opinions as they where "both retarded" and that at their age it was "normal to explore a little". i was trying to get involved at her church and she told me I shouldn't be focusing on that and that my kids should be my focus right now; all i ever did was focus on my kids, i was in such FEAR for their future and my own; so much so that I never took care of my own self, they where all i cared about and the only thing at that point that kept me alive. I wanted "the one" night and shining armor i was beginning to believe didn't exist to come save us; But that wasn't happening and at that very moment, i was drowning in depression, anxious because i wanted Ben to just leave me alone to heal, as dealing with him made that impossible. I needed to have my own experiences; ones that didn't involve him and his world anymore. He wouldn't give me that space that i required
At that time i pretty much stranded my kids with them running out of the house screaming that i might as well kill myself because that seems to be the only thing that will make anyone happy as it didnt matter what i did i was failing in someone's eyes no matter what and it would benefit everyone if i just fucking disappeared because obviously my feelings and suffering and pain didn't matter two shits to any of them.I almost stepped in front of traffic that night, instead God guided me to "faith bible chapel" down the street for prayer. I got home to be told my children where sent home with the very man I was in fear of them being with and the one who called him was my sister who never should have had his number to begin with!
I felt like everyone abandoned me for dating David who came into my life around August 2011; that i was to be cursed for the rest of my life because of him as i cursed Amanda in my ex husbands; which i literally met him the night after i left my ex husband and requested we go through with a divorce in couples therapy. That I don't feel we where equally yoked. My biggest regret was paying mind to this idiot rather than being around for my friend Patrick Horn, who I know I would have benefited a heck of a lot more than I did David. Maybe he would still be alive today. Read my blog in remembrance to him RIP Patrick Horn My Guardian Angel and Night In Shining Armor Aug 31 2011
i've never had a good relationship with her from the beginning of life, and a conversation i had with her one night in which my father was too drunk to watch my kids; my sister said some stuff that send me over the edge trying to tell me I need to focus on my kids when thats ALL i ever did focus on and that i need to stop "playing the victim"; i told her to butt out of my life because she wouldn't even listen to me long enough to know what i was REALLY going through, she practically missed my cries for help and fear for my daughter and asking her opinion on what to do with her and my friends daughter who i will explain a little later what happened between them, and she told me to keep it quit amungst the family, not to ask or trust my parents opinions as they where "both retarded" and that at their age it was "normal to explore a little". i was trying to get involved at her church and she told me I shouldn't be focusing on that and that my kids should be my focus right now; all i ever did was focus on my kids, i was in such FEAR for their future and my own; so much so that I never took care of my own self, they where all i cared about and the only thing at that point that kept me alive. I wanted "the one" night and shining armor i was beginning to believe didn't exist to come save us; But that wasn't happening and at that very moment, i was drowning in depression, anxious because i wanted Ben to just leave me alone to heal, as dealing with him made that impossible. I needed to have my own experiences; ones that didn't involve him and his world anymore. He wouldn't give me that space that i required
At that time i pretty much stranded my kids with them running out of the house screaming that i might as well kill myself because that seems to be the only thing that will make anyone happy as it didnt matter what i did i was failing in someone's eyes no matter what and it would benefit everyone if i just fucking disappeared because obviously my feelings and suffering and pain didn't matter two shits to any of them.I almost stepped in front of traffic that night, instead God guided me to "faith bible chapel" down the street for prayer. I got home to be told my children where sent home with the very man I was in fear of them being with and the one who called him was my sister who never should have had his number to begin with!
I felt like everyone abandoned me for dating David who came into my life around August 2011; that i was to be cursed for the rest of my life because of him as i cursed Amanda in my ex husbands; which i literally met him the night after i left my ex husband and requested we go through with a divorce in couples therapy. That I don't feel we where equally yoked. My biggest regret was paying mind to this idiot rather than being around for my friend Patrick Horn, who I know I would have benefited a heck of a lot more than I did David. Maybe he would still be alive today. Read my blog in remembrance to him RIP Patrick Horn My Guardian Angel and Night In Shining Armor Aug 31 2011
"Grace of Sweet Lady Isis; Cleans me now of karmic crisis
Of words said in haste, their effect and cause; Help the spiritual momentum now pause
Negative repercussions now cease; All involved are filled with peace
Your names of Power end the pain; Dissolve unhappiness, bitterness and strain
Create new webs of light and healing; Divine Unconditional Love now revealing
Isis Ma! Isis Ma! Isis Ma!"
-Magic Of Isis By Alana Fairchild
The day after I met David, He got back with Amanda. He did this after i had cursed him in therapy saying if he turns around and does so he would cause a war between us for as long as she remained in the picture as more than just a friend; it isn't a shock that he would do the opposite and test those boundaries; he was always a rebel just like me and actually awoke my own inner rebel long ago. ALL the hell I brought upon myself due to maybe a span of 5 months that i dated a very fucked up karmatic soul mate who apparently was meant to challenge me more than my ex husband and im seeing now was my own karmatic whiplash for cursing him with her. besides my ex husband: David was what created a lot of bad karma between me and my own father when he lived with us and he stole my dads $8.000 accordion on Thanksgiving, from that moment on he hasnt trusted a single man i've dated or brought around; and taught me ALL i needed to learn to stay the hell away from addicts and drugs and not to become "that sort of washed out mother". He is also what helped me see the true colors of some of my family members and where they where not in allowance for me to be fully expressive and where I was resisting and hiding and refusing to come into myself in regards because of their conditioning's. (That is accepting my sexuality, my vulnerability, authenticity, coming into my psychic awareness and gifts and removing religious constraints) The only thing David didn't do was hurt my kids; if anything he took more responsibility for my son then i ever witnessed a man do before even Ben; had he abused or hurt them in any way, he would not have been around as long as he was for me to learn the lessons i had to nor would he possibly still have his life; because my moto is if you fuck with my children im gunna fuck you up! The only drug i do now is good old mary jane (thats becoming less and less but its legal in colorado) and the occasional (like once a year occasional) psychedelic when my kids are not around which I never touched until the end of 2011.
I call back to me; Through unconditional love and grace
The past life energy; that fills this situation and place
Let my past and present life ability; Help me reach my highest destiny
I call for clarity, insight and peace
A place of empowerment I now reach
-Magic Of Isis By Alana Fairchild
But because of the fact i wasn't communicating with him anymore; he was Unaware of the steps i was taking in mine and our children lives to protect us; From waking up to my stupidity and getting David out of our lives and staying away from drugs and withering away from depression and anxiety from bens (unaware?) mental and emotional (domestic) abuse that he was causing at that time; and of dealing with a very traumatizing situation on many levels with the situation regarding the little girl and my at the time best friend; (I was already in process of seeking therapy for my kids and myself as a family for all the traumas happening and seeking parenting classes of my own accord, I wasn't doing any drugs besides MMJ and really trying to only go on dates when my kids werent around or have go on friendly dates with guys who also had kids for a play date. Although I knew deep inside i shouldn't have been trying to date and should have been focusing on me and thats why all relationships seemed to blow up in my face or fail because i wasn't; I still felt drawn to "find the one"); he called CPS on me when I was having a very painful experience with my best friend at the time. I was essentially dealing with forms of "death" ALL around me. I didn't know how to express my pain, in the midst of all of that. My very most deep seeded fears manifesting before my eyes.
It turned out her daughter was molesting my own daughter and i had been completely unaware that this little girl had RECENTLY been physically molested by her biological father. It took about 2 months after my trauma with David to come into conscious realization of how fucked up the situation was when this little girl "accidentally killed" my daughter 9 week old kitten. my ex husband knew of what had been happening since i did communicate to him but i on many other levels was not communicating with him, just writing it and posting it on facebook (and i didnt realize anyone he had contact with was still within my friends for him to see it as i knew anything i "wrote" in a healing manor would be used against me) because i was used to the pattern of him using everything i tell him or that i feel against me at later times as a means of control or force to do things his way. The last thing I wanted was to loose my kids or him to use my kids as a means of control, nor did i want to loose my best friend. The only friend and support i had at the time was that specific friend and i had just felt betrayed by her through her not being honest about her daughters condition and this was already in such resent timing of being betrayed by the father of my children and 'best friend' and another man. 
My therapist at the time advised me to stop talking to him about my personal life and have as little communication as possible, all that we communicated would be in subject to the kids; and to disconnect any involvement with this other littler girl and my daughter. I had them in daycare (which i provided) while i could visit my therapist and thats when my ex husband snuck in and as i liked to describe it "kidnapped them". From that point on i was forced to be under my ex husbands supervision for visitations with my kids in which he got to choose which 3rd party he brought and he chose Amanda; the one woman i felt was the most disrespectful to bring around me. I got whiplash because i followed my therapists advice to "stop talking to him"; He used it as "shes refusing to co parent and communicate". I took legal advice; did just these things and safety precautions for mine and my children's own well and mental beings, and i get fucked. I warned everyone i was being fucked over, to give him the damn Psyche evaluations, and make him get therapy, all of them . I knew cutting him off from that power to control me and me having control of the kids (them in my full custody) that i would somehow "own" him the rest of his life pissed him off. I made him mad, and he knew if he made the first call they wouldn't question him. I tried to keep it "kid based talk" but because the kids where with me all the time before CPS; to him that meant he was privy to my entire life, every detail of it when he wasn't with them; I didn't want him having an opinion on my private dating or relationship life; His advice for me wasn't to be trusted in that area. To me if he was allowed to do as he pleased with Amanda i was allowed to do as i please with whoever i wanted until i "found the one" as he supposedly already had. Hence the insults he threw at me, which were silver tongued truths. He was trying to force my hand to a doctrine even he didn't "believe" in and support and always resisted me on within our relationship and his own past (certain supposed "christian" values).
He calls CPS on me while i felt threatened by him. I was so alone, abandoned and i had no trust to believe ANYONE around me; especially him. Dating sucked (even David feared interaction with me half the time in the less than 5 months we "dated") because of my disease and because of this curse i feared no one would ever want me in the future. I was so broken i didn't want to listen to anyone, none of them could relate or understand my transformation process or understand the trauma's i had endured or the trauma's my daughter endured; nor did they want to hear about them or me to speak of them. I didn't want to be with Ben alone, i wanted a mediator at all costs, i wanted other people providing space besides him and his family for me to be with my children; fuck i just wanted my children back in my custody so i would know THEY are safe because i know the history within their family even though they would hide it at all costs. I'm the one being under the "radar" for neglect, and abuse when it is not me committing the crime it was actually him. I'm trying to get custody so that i can retain them from such further neglect and abuse.
He winds up calling CPS w
He removed the children from my custody when I was COMING OUT OF my lowest and most vulnerable points I'd ever had in my entire life; at a point when he had just gone through the SAME emotions and phases; was pretty much suicidal and wanting to place our kids up for adoption knowing he couldn't be responsible for them; that I could very well have took him through the ringers and WON custody but something inside me made me refuse doing that. That i wouldn't do that because that is exactly what i wouldn't want done to me. I was living by example but he that didn't seem to matter to him that day he picked up the phone and made that phone call. I am a Libra I wanted what was fair; and he didn't feel anything i ever asked was "fair". There was never a compromise and i got sole blamed and guilt tripped because there never was.SO he took advantage and "took control" a few seconds before I could or should have, and what came after that almost destroyed me. I possibly could still destroy him with lawyers if i could afford them and if i t was in my highest good to do so; but i dont feel it is. that is just where we truly started butting heads. I barely sought after child support for help with them in some way and that seemed too much to ask for because it forced him to maintain a job and he had to give me money and have no say as to how it was disbursed for the kids (not that i ever abused it). Because of his felonies and record history he didn't want to allow Jefferson county to have control and power over his life for eternity and if we dealt with the system he'd do anything in his power to "be off grid". He told me this to my face in my dads backyard whether i have proof of it or not this is what happened. he wasn't allowed to do this, he wasn't being reasonable and that is why i was forced to go to the courts. Children are not cheep. I just had a baby and was ATTEMPTING to do what i could to bring in an income. I couldn't trust him anymore, that was plain and simply the God to honest truth because by that point i felt so manipulated by him so i felt forced there out of FEAR. The only "voice" i had at that point was my pen and paper and anyone would would offer advice on facebook. That even came to bite me in the ass:
From that moment on he was trying to prove i was "mentally unfit" to be the mother of my own children; after already putting me through all the shit he had, going back and forth between me and this other woman, tricking me into staying "married" because that gave us both more "benefits" until we got some stability (so we're legally separated but not divorced even though i petitioned for divorce in 2011 following our final Separation in August) and he in my opinion manipulated me until he had "plausible cause" of any kind and i was weak; to rip the rug from under my feet by june 2012. I felt it all before it happened. I prophesied it but no one would listen to me. No one ever listens to my prophecies and then when they happen I'm standing here with the "I told you so" attitude.
He removed the children from my custody when I was COMING OUT OF my lowest and most vulnerable points I'd ever had in my entire life; at a point when he had just gone through the SAME emotions and phases; was pretty much suicidal and wanting to place our kids up for adoption knowing he couldn't be responsible for them; that I could very well have took him through the ringers and WON custody but something inside me made me refuse doing that. That i wouldn't do that because that is exactly what i wouldn't want done to me. I was living by example but he that didn't seem to matter to him that day he picked up the phone and made that phone call. I am a Libra I wanted what was fair; and he didn't feel anything i ever asked was "fair". There was never a compromise and i got sole blamed and guilt tripped because there never was.SO he took advantage and "took control" a few seconds before I could or should have, and what came after that almost destroyed me. I possibly could still destroy him with lawyers if i could afford them and if i t was in my highest good to do so; but i dont feel it is. that is just where we truly started butting heads. I barely sought after child support for help with them in some way and that seemed too much to ask for because it forced him to maintain a job and he had to give me money and have no say as to how it was disbursed for the kids (not that i ever abused it). Because of his felonies and record history he didn't want to allow Jefferson county to have control and power over his life for eternity and if we dealt with the system he'd do anything in his power to "be off grid". He told me this to my face in my dads backyard whether i have proof of it or not this is what happened. he wasn't allowed to do this, he wasn't being reasonable and that is why i was forced to go to the courts. Children are not cheep. I just had a baby and was ATTEMPTING to do what i could to bring in an income. I couldn't trust him anymore, that was plain and simply the God to honest truth because by that point i felt so manipulated by him so i felt forced there out of FEAR. The only "voice" i had at that point was my pen and paper and anyone would would offer advice on facebook. That even came to bite me in the ass:
From that moment on he was trying to prove i was "mentally unfit" to be the mother of my own children; after already putting me through all the shit he had, going back and forth between me and this other woman, tricking me into staying "married" because that gave us both more "benefits" until we got some stability (so we're legally separated but not divorced even though i petitioned for divorce in 2011 following our final Separation in August) and he in my opinion manipulated me until he had "plausible cause" of any kind and i was weak; to rip the rug from under my feet by june 2012. I felt it all before it happened. I prophesied it but no one would listen to me. No one ever listens to my prophecies and then when they happen I'm standing here with the "I told you so" attitude.
My throat chakra broke in those very moments screaming the truth, but no one listening to me. Being told to shut up and "bow down" before many masculines. I felt scrutinized, hung on a cross thats where i relate to Yeshua. that was not mine meant to bear. But i did it anyways. I sacrificed myself; or i thought i was doing that, in that sacrifice i still lost everything. I lost it all; for quite some time i even lost "myself" completely that i was the walking dead. for a long time all of this sent me deeper into depression and anxiety and the mad-sad state like never before because I felt I was the only one that was ever or could ever be responsible enough to parent and provide for them and he was ripping the only thing on this planet i had left and ever really loved with all my heart; my children; away from me. He said he wanted me to be happy, but he ripped everything that ever brought me that happiness away. I was pissed and living in deep seeded fear because in my opinion MY CHILDREN AND THEIR FUTURE WAS FUCKED, sorry for my *French* without me and he was replacing me, removing my say and will as their mother when i NEVER had intention to remove it from him; all i wanted was him to be an engaged FATHER otherwise to step out of my way to lead these children! Everyone around me believed me to be "unfit" to do this. I was an untouchable so much so i could feel their spit upon my skin every time i tried to say something. My mom tried to do it nicely but even in many ways she spit in my face too. Regardless i persevered; I remained faithful in my journey to freedom and true liberation and in the past few days im feeling such a Etheric liberation i can't keep a single drop in. 
Forgiving him and forgiving those family members and friends who in his footsteps i felt bury me deeper into a pit; has been the largest battle in my entire life; i still battle with these same feeling that merge from the things my own kids express coming from their dads house during the school week to me on the weekends even here in the present; it saddens me and i have compassion for him because he is still unhappy when i am finally achieving true happiness; he still wishes things where different, hes still bound by the curses i made and he made in our ending. I know him and his partner aren't as "in love" as they once where and things will probably shift in that department and a part of me always knew this and is why i held onto so much anger all this time. I want him to be happy and he never allowed time in his life to just figure out who he is and what he wants to do. these days with a higher conscious understanding I have bite my lip and just keep on having faith and trust in God; in my heart of hearts its his soul which i loved and still love that i always wanted to be "saved".There is nothing i can do to help him until he wishes to save himself, just like there was NOTHING anyone could do for me until i came into the awareness that i must save myself. I pray for him when most wouldn't blame me for hiring an assassin. He's doing enough ass kicking to himself, i needn't continue play a roll. I am not karma and i will not hold karma over his head. I divorce it.
Needless to say this has been a very long and drawn out healing process. Although our relationship is far from perfect, and my kids still struggle for attention, I am finding common ground and a peace within myself that everything will work out for the better. I have only been building myself up and my career for success and abundance following all i've experienced and the only "darkness" ive been meddling through is karmatic soul mates, along my journey to mastery of love myself. I finally came to the end of those lessons needing repeated to me (various different abusive relationships with narcissists seemed necessary?), and this is the first time i've really spoken about my past and deep fears and pains regarding my ex husband and other people and those Traumatic moments out in the open and allowing myself to cry again in the last memory of them. now I can fully release them in love and with true forgiveness because of the inner work i have achieved i have now manifested new more positive experiences with soul connections with kindred soul-mates and my twin flames Malachi and Cathy to counteract all the suffering i was weighed down with before. I can now more easily and with Grace move forward conscious of the words that flow through my mind and into vibration with my tongue.
Needless to say this has been a very long and drawn out healing process. Although our relationship is far from perfect, and my kids still struggle for attention, I am finding common ground and a peace within myself that everything will work out for the better. I have only been building myself up and my career for success and abundance following all i've experienced and the only "darkness" ive been meddling through is karmatic soul mates, along my journey to mastery of love myself. I finally came to the end of those lessons needing repeated to me (various different abusive relationships with narcissists seemed necessary?), and this is the first time i've really spoken about my past and deep fears and pains regarding my ex husband and other people and those Traumatic moments out in the open and allowing myself to cry again in the last memory of them. now I can fully release them in love and with true forgiveness because of the inner work i have achieved i have now manifested new more positive experiences with soul connections with kindred soul-mates and my twin flames Malachi and Cathy to counteract all the suffering i was weighed down with before. I can now more easily and with Grace move forward conscious of the words that flow through my mind and into vibration with my tongue.
I have a memory sketched in my mind of a time my ex husband during our separation and his affair he sent me a photo and quote in Facebook messenger (it was after this meme that i finally officially blocked him) of a quote shaped in a tree
at the time this made me very mad. I took it as an insult because even though he was trying to "help" me by sending it, coming from him it was very painful; I always saw myself on top of the tree and what was happening to us made me feel like the one rotting on the ground especially since he was in relationship with the woman he was, my ex "best friend". The man who abandoned me and made me feel more betrayed than anyone in my life besides her stood there telling me I was the apple on top of the tree, and he didn't like having to watch the pain i was enduring from us breaking apart; I told him that was going to be his curse in choosing to be with her; that he'd be force to watch my unbecoming and would forever writhe in the fires of hell. he was still in that moment telling me I will reach the top of it again; I always stated "yeah I will but with no thanks to you! I'll bury her and your corpse together and burn it" and I believe this is that moment, but there is a deep reverence towards him instead of disdain and wont to set them both on fire. I was so upset with our separation and liberated at the same time that i couldn't and wouldn't receive any sort of "messages" from him 5 years ago... even though he was a teacher sent here to me and i was refusing to let him be so because within my reality all i saw was lies; i saw many things i did not wish to see or awaken to as a Christian. it was so very scary from that point on as i battled every limiting belief within me to become who i am not but IN the end (and this is only just the beginning!)...
My ex husband is my greatest teacher of all, being the one karmatic relation to hurt me the most just to push me the furthest. Aries with a Libra, that's a wild combinations. I would not have obtained my true union if it was not for him, if it wasn't for his bullet through my heart. He had moments where he would profoundly bring me up and channel wisdom that was beyond my understanding, i think even his own, and now it feels we have flipped rolls (as the energy is telling us is exactly whats happening with the Divine Feminine and Masculine). I is my time to extend him love he's never witnessed before. I am here to shine i to anyone and everyone willing to receive it. I can in this time choose to remain to be mad at him for living with his parents (who i have a hard time being fond of his father but even he has taught me many lessons) being a 'lazy' father, game player, jobless, i can remain mad at him for his affair and past mistakes and continue to belittle his partner and be infuriated with the fact that he isn't yet awakened enough to change those patterns in his life for our children; or i can polarize, forgive and change the emotions around our experience and the memories attached and detach until the energies do ever come into alignment for such healing. I know i myself as a divine being am in awareness that before time we agreed upon all of it's happening to be our very catalyst to dive deeper into who we are individually, into deeper love of ourselves and God. Rather running from God, I chased God. Ben will either choose to remain a lost soul like the tattoo he has representing so in Chinese on his arm (for his grandfather), or he'll use our story to catalyze and create change in his life and thus create a better future or our children somehow. I know i have come to a peak where i am choosing to detach from the suffering it brought and use the pain as a means to grow even stronger! I know I am destined to be a writer; a spiritual teacher; A Messenger of The Christ; My story will not be written out of anger towards my Ex Husband; had i started writing it 5 years ago thats all it would have been; was revenge for all the chaos he created in my life.
My ex husband is my greatest teacher of all, being the one karmatic relation to hurt me the most just to push me the furthest. Aries with a Libra, that's a wild combinations. I would not have obtained my true union if it was not for him, if it wasn't for his bullet through my heart. He had moments where he would profoundly bring me up and channel wisdom that was beyond my understanding, i think even his own, and now it feels we have flipped rolls (as the energy is telling us is exactly whats happening with the Divine Feminine and Masculine). I is my time to extend him love he's never witnessed before. I am here to shine i to anyone and everyone willing to receive it. I can in this time choose to remain to be mad at him for living with his parents (who i have a hard time being fond of his father but even he has taught me many lessons) being a 'lazy' father, game player, jobless, i can remain mad at him for his affair and past mistakes and continue to belittle his partner and be infuriated with the fact that he isn't yet awakened enough to change those patterns in his life for our children; or i can polarize, forgive and change the emotions around our experience and the memories attached and detach until the energies do ever come into alignment for such healing. I know i myself as a divine being am in awareness that before time we agreed upon all of it's happening to be our very catalyst to dive deeper into who we are individually, into deeper love of ourselves and God. Rather running from God, I chased God. Ben will either choose to remain a lost soul like the tattoo he has representing so in Chinese on his arm (for his grandfather), or he'll use our story to catalyze and create change in his life and thus create a better future or our children somehow. I know i have come to a peak where i am choosing to detach from the suffering it brought and use the pain as a means to grow even stronger! I know I am destined to be a writer; a spiritual teacher; A Messenger of The Christ; My story will not be written out of anger towards my Ex Husband; had i started writing it 5 years ago thats all it would have been; was revenge for all the chaos he created in my life. 
No; I know it was all meant to be. I cannot be angry or sad or anything or continue grasping onto hatred because of my past or his unconscious mistakes and my unconscious mistakes. I refuse to move forward in this life letting that all weigh me down. I refuse to continue caring his shame and guild and doubts, and I am removing all curses or vows i may have ever had with or against him in all times and space and setting him free of them also. My soul was SO INTENT i get on board with this ascension process and wants me to be in love SO BADLY, that it took me experiencing rejection since childhood within simple friendship relationships, to my entire family (relative and non), to the rejection of both my parents, my ex husband, and my children, and friends to really see how deeply all these years I've rejected who I really am and have refused to love it. I'm a born to be BROADWAY STAR... hiding in the shadows. NOT fulfilling my purpose, making excuses why it cannot be so. No wonder the world around me was hell. As a messenger of God, an Angelic Human I was not created just to allow the world to tell me who i am supposed to be, what i am or am not supposed to be doing, and how i should or should not expressing myself. I was here to be a rebel MMKAY! I won't apologize for it because the same God you believe in is the same God im cheer-leading for! The same God/Goddess within us all for we are all ONE! "Christs" 2nd coming will be withing ALL your own hearts! Use this time to RECEIVE IT; if you are reading this you are ready!
I have always been the apple on top of the tree, I once was that apple but now I am the tree. I once was blind but NOW I SEE: and I will remain forever so. That is the Tree OF Life from which My soul was born (apple grew from); it is the purest ever and forever shall be, un-poisoned and cleansed in the word of Christ by the power of three times three ... No matter the criticisms beliefs or judgments of others I will continue to express myself however i deem fit, and my Twin flames by my side forever supporting my lotus knows he will never be left to fall and get hurt. I AM THAT I AM, WE ARE WORD.
Isis with love unconditional and strong
Help me rise above right and wrong
To forgive, release and make myself whole
To retrieve the lost pieces of my soul
Restore the inner light grid of gold
Free me from trauma new and old
Isis with love unconditional and strong
Help me be whole now and finally move on
-Magic Of Isis By Alana Fairchild
In this moment i want to thank all the following people i mentioned and all involved in my life in the present for giving me this experience; i honor them now for the purpose they came to serve me that I now in knowing a new perspective and being open to living a new paradigm can understand and allow and find forgiveness. I thank them for burring me deeper into the pit for that dark space; that is what fertilized the seed my previous apple left behind: that was begging to burst forth and birth the tree of life into the Garden of Eden that is blooming above us as I speak and will be at its peak by the 26th. a new life; new way of living and freedom of being and life of acceptance and allowance that i'm meant to live hence forth. Thank you thank you thank you, with gratitude in my heart i can release you all with so much LOVE consciousness attached and perform the Energetic Divorce to begin anew!
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