here was the conversation. all i posted was "im aggravated :-/" because I'm stressed out, we all are, and ive been aggravated with my children. I am not happy with what transpired right here but to understand my "response" it kind of needs to be noted because it's what this journal entry was derived from. Originally this was going to be my post back in response to them, but its too long to even post LOL.
my kids walk all over me, as do many people and i seem to let them get away with it. Brandon has to sit here and watch it and he is tired of people treating me like that, especially my kids. He knows i bust my ass and give my all and feels i deserve more respect. My kids are learning needed discipline that their real father lacks to give them properly in his own home when they are with him (we switch every other week), so they think they can tell me what they are going to do and disobey/defy me when i tell them no on something, or waste the food i just labored hours in the kitchen to make them simply because "they dont like it". I hate wastefulness, trying to respect life, energy and nature at this point. I give in to my kids too often, I get tired of fighting with them and yelling simply to get them to listen. I get worn out and give in just to end the battle because the energy its creating is more then my vibration can resonate with. I want to have positive energy in everything we do and how we all treat one another, but I hardly got that with their father and they are taking up his bad habits. (he unfortunately let them treat me like crap and laughed about it as if it was funny when it would actually be a serious manor). im learning to put my foot down with them and take my power as mother back.
Brandon has had to deal with them all day and is feeling my frustration and aggravation, and he is not the cause. He just see's me going going going, even when i dont have a job im busy as heck with so many other things
, and he helps watch my kids and works from 4-2am 5 days a week (given that we've only been dating since Feb, hes taken upon himself a huge responsibility another man left on the curb, and i cannot handle all on my much longer), and because we dont have a car (due to multiple car accidents this year), and we are having to share one car (when we actually get one after a month of being w/o and borrowing my moms) he has to walk to work everyday, then come home and not get much sleep cuz the kids are up at 8am and they arent that quiet. "rinse and repeat" until they go to their dad's for a week. He's feeling how ive been feeling, which i usually suffer naturally with anxiety. sometimes you can only take so much. we're stressed right now with no one to blame, just dealing with our circumstances and having a minor outburst from them currently while doing our best to remain positive. we just have multiple different souls in this household needing much balance and many of them are putting up resistance to it, which is natural. Dying to the ego is not an easy process for anyone and it takes patience and practice. I know how much time it's taken me to heal and im only just truly beginning to, I can't expect myself or anyone to do it over night.
Both Brandon and myself have been cheated on/betrayed in the past and battle jealousy and a number of other issues. He loves me dearly and fears loosing me (and in my own way im on guard in my own ways for him to do it to me like my ex husband did. because i actually did committed myself/life to him, starting at a very young age (the asshole took my virginity and was the only "relationship" id ever been in) and from the beginning he always worried id cheat on him, even though i NEVER did/attempted to or gave him reason to believe i was, he worried because he was cheated on in the past many times, and because of his defensive paranoia that i'd also do it to him, I had to give up my entire social life cuz he was so worried all the time and untrusting. Turns out he was the one having the affairs the whole time, and our divorce ended because of one), even though i reassure him I'm not going anywhere, but i can't seem to get him to BELIEVE it. Just like i am trying to patiently handle my children I am also doing so with him on these negative aspects because I battle them to an extent too (but am really trying not to let them effect my life and relationship that i DO WANT to succeed this time around). I will be patient, but i will not live in a cave away from meeting new friends, men, female... transgender, i dont give a fuck i love everyone, like i did with my ex husband to fan out the flames of their own ego and insecurities. I refuse to give up up the LITTLE social life and freedom I have as an individual. I CAN properly follow my own intuition regarding someone, I am allowed to make/choose and mingle with whom ever I so choose, as I am doing NOTHING wrong. i AM trusting, i AM loyal, and I CAN "take care of myself" when i comes to creepers . Ya i've been fucked in the past, I've learned from those mistakes (that where as equally my fault as theirs) but that doesnt mean in NOT CAPABLE of doing it myself now. Doesn't mean that cycle is going to continue, its as much something I NEED TO LEARN obviously thats why some things in my life has repeated themselves. until you learn the lesson, the test will still be presented to you. Each time i don't "pass" I learn and get a better score the next time around, until I finally get an A+. I have a pretty high intuition, which is getting better every day. I can safely say i feel i know people pretty well and im not ignorant. I understand others on a deeper level and care about their lives whether they are right next to me, or across the world.
I AM GENUINELY CARING, yes...very rare quality, many people are going to be drawn/attracted to this, some on more romantic levels but if someone is trying to whoo me, they will get no where doing so because they will be slapped in the face so to speak by myself. I would find that as a rude thing to do considering i have already said I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP blatantly on facebook, and if you are truly a conscious loving person, you wouldn't swoop in and try to steal me from the man who i am CHOOSING to be with. I know those I add on my facebook are here as PLATONIC FRIENDS, simply here along with me to work with LOVE and expanding consciousness. THAT IS ALL, and I'll say here an now if anyone I add (male or female) tries to go further then that or down-talk my boyfriend, I will delete them immediately. That is just not awareness, doesnt show respect and if you can't do that why the hell would i leave the person who does his best to show me he loves me, and leave/want to be with said person who did exactly what my ex husbands girlfriend did and steal another person's "mate" in the first place! We all have our ups and downs, but that is no reason to ABANDON someone, like my ex husband abandoned me, or allow someone to charm me out of something I know is special already regardless of a few bumps in the road.
Brandon Huth I don't want you to get mad over this post but I need to say it. and for you to finally accept it because outbursts like you had on my facebook today, i do not like it. I don't want to see it or feel the energy of it. You need to let your fears go because if someone is hitting on me... firstly... I'll deal with them myself how i see fit, you don't have to threaten their well being (you don't have to agree with or understand or like the way i do so, but it will happen, through me) secondly, I would fucking tell you "oh hey i think this guy is a creeper and he wont leave me alone", if i come to you for help getting them to "back off" THEN go ahead and step in, but otherwise, other people who are GENUINELY KIND (not out to use me) will ask me "hey are you okay, im here if you need to talk!", LIKE ANY DECENT PERSON SHOULD DO WHEN THEY NOTICE YOU ARE UPSET OR FRUSTRATED, dont think they are stalking me or trying to take me away from you. THEY ARE JUST BEING NICE AND CARING. You really need to pay attention to that before you freak out on them. They are coming from a different energy entirely and causing unneeded drama over something like that, is to me childish. You need to KNOW I will NEVER hurt you, or leave you for some other guy. I AM NOT GOING TO FUCKING CHEAT ON YOU. If we break up its NOT GOING TO BE BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE. It would likely be because you are always assuming its going to wind up being someone else and the insecurity drives me up the wall. I've been attempting to have patience with you regarding this, but like my kids who keep pushing the buttons all the time, this is one of the ONLY area's you continue to do so for me as far as our relationship. I still need to be allowed to continually make new friends. that about me isn't going to change. I fucking love you and my heart is in this as much as yours, I only need YOU to truly believe this yourself. I need you to stop attacking or being defensive to ANYONE before you go off on them like you did.
I'm used to people leaving, and being unable to handle life with me, or my children. Brandon and I are both equally learning to trust again. I'm not so good with accepting help when i really do need it, and we fight because I don't let him help me because im way too OCD. I was once where he is, and so i feel compassion for what he inwardly deals with when it comes to jealousy or insecurities of the sort, but my only compassion comes from my prayers that it'll change and be fully healed. Regardless He is one of the first guys who does not manipulate me, and is honest with me. as far as Opening up about his own painful past, that is not so easy for him, which isn't easy for everyone. I'm abnormal, im very open and not afraid to talk about ANYTHING at any given time. I dont need to have reason to talk about it, if its on my mind thats what i talk about, i dont care who it is. I can't help it. I write, i talk, im social and expressive. It's a part of who i am and i think my social involvement makes him nervous because he doesn't want me to get hit on. I tell him im a big girl, i can deal with creepers myself and have been for years. He needs to take them commenting anything to me or wanting to talk to me as a compliment, not a negative thing as long as they aren't being obsessively overboard with it . He's stuck in the past of people who have screwed him over, especially in matters of the heart. I pray in time he will be able to release that pain and truly let it go, so that it's not spilled over onto me when i havent earned or deserve it. I am doing so myself in life right now, letting things surface and then washing them away, being thankful for the oppertunity to remember it and do so once and for all... i see myself as an onion and am willingly peeling back those layers to get to the core of my "problems".
Brandon, and everyone else who does not understand consciousness will gets to witness me do this onion pealing, and hopefully as a result, it'll inspire him or anyone else to do the same. I hope in my own integrity and life changes, it'll bring others to truly find themselves, truly love themselves, and not be so fearful, defensive and on guard of everything and everyone around them. of course dont be naive, gullable, and ignorant, but have awareness but dont allow it to the point that any of those emotions are raised. yes I am a hippy. i believe we should all Just to focus on love, IN EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Realize that we are ALL One and treat everyone the same way you would treat yourself. Pay attention to how you treat yourself, pay mind to your own mind and self talk. what do you say to yourself/think/feel about yourself on a day to day basis? Is it positive? well... if its not, then remember that you are likely treating other people the same way and you don't even realize it. Because its a plain fact that we all mirror one another. Law of attraction. You attract what you emit.
I'm not saying i am perfect of that I know everything, because i only just started learning and there is much more to become aware of, but i have witnessed certain things myself up to this point to know that what i speak of exists. its mind blowing shit that will really change your prospective, and of course your own life. I am willing to admit that I am still equally pulling myself out of that dark pit of hell and pain, but it's not as "hard" anymore. I've learned that when there is dark, you simply need to turn on a light and the darkness goes away. Talking to other consciously aware/awake people helps bring the light back into my own heart and body especially when i feel drained, that interaction then lights me up to be that unto others. it rejuvenates me.positive, and consciously aware responses when something is bothering me, or im going through a moody day, are what i respond in kind to.
I know i am a goddess of consciousness, the will of God is that of my own. Spirit guides me and I am a healer, and a light for others. No i cannot save them, you can certainly lead a horse to water and lay out the truth as plain as day, but you cannot force them to drink or accept it themselves until they are ready. they must recognize that light, open their eyes wide enough to see that their own hand is reaching desperately out for them to take. They must grab hold of their hand and save/forgive/love themselves and see beyond the 3d illusions we all face in life. Once you do that you don't need to fear, for you have foresight. Your intuition will not be running off of the ego, rather then your Divine Self, and connected consciousness to be fully One with all that lives around you. You aren't "waiting for the afterlife" ... you live in the FORLIFE (keep moving forward, our soul never dies, and you can connect back with it right now so long as you CHOOSE to). You can already obtain and have your heaven on Earth, but you must die to your Ego first. This is not a physical death, but inn-ward. Once you dig deep, you find your buried treasure chest of light. That dark night of the soul is a dense energy to work through, but its achievable. But a near death fight. I barely achieved going through it, I almost died in 2012 due to suicide, instead of walking in front of on coming traffic i decided to go to the nearby church and ask for prayer (which i have suffered from suicidal thoughts since the 5th grade)
in my past lives i only lived to be 25, i either killed myself or was torchered/crucified in some way to the point of death for being who I am. i also chose to be male most the time because of getting anywhere in this current masculine energy as a female was short lived... obviously... (until now with the frequencies raising more and more everyday) but you had more "movement" as a man. people did not understand me and feared the truth i spoke, the healing miracles i performed. They did not understand or like this and wished to hold me behind when i was simply trying to fulfill my Divine Purpose. which is to expand consciousness, raise our frequency to be ready for the shift and lifting of the veil, it's already starting so I am here to learn channeling myself and educate about what the new world IS changing into instead of focusing on what is currently going on on a grand negative scale because none of that matters, it all has a purpose of its own. The more effort you put into things on an conscious/spiritual way, the easier it'll be to "win". The darkness feeds off of the fear that is created from the media...and whats happening on our land and around the globe. This isn't ALL that's happening, you must SHIFT your perspective. I am here to bring awareness and the energy and essence of LOVE EVERYWHERE and to EVERYTHING that cross's my path, i don't care how much longer i have here, i will do my best to resonate and emit LOVE and protect the planet and nature.. I will never stop doing this and I will not be held back in this life. I'm older then I've every been, I've fully rebirthed in my pheonix form and as i've said before... if you can't keep up, get your vibrations moving up, before you know it, it will be beyond my own control but I'm going to lift off and fly so high up you won't be able to recognize me anymore, and honestly it's everyone else missing out (who will just be freaking out) because I REALLY want them seeing the majestic skies I'd be flying through with me.
This is where I am going, this is the course i chose to direct my life since 2012 and deep down i've always known it as a child, and I'm not about to "come back down" to the low vibrations that almost took my life in the first place. That's what the "big bad guys" would want, one more light worker out of the way so the darkness can keep this planet in bondage and that "barbaric" age forever. I won't allow it. I simply will NOT allow it. Not this time. I've been through hell, and yanked back to heaven with the Angel's mighty strength and placed upon me the armor of God and handed a sword of truth. if you are important in my life, which EVERY person is to me, i will help you become more aware of whats REALLY going on behind the scenes of the "reality" we call "life", whether you honestly "like it or not" because sometimes the truth, isn't easy to swallow.
