Been writing this since you went to your truck (July 15ish 2015), i was going to post on FB, but chose not to, read it or dont, either way i dont wanna continue arguing with you.
Stop projecting onto me. Get OVER whatever is going on inside you right now, because I don't want any part in it. Once you can, feel free to come back around me, until then... don't bother talking to me... or approaching me.
I cant talk to and communicate with just about ANYONE. It's EASY for me to get along with people, and to be a mediator and I have more experience in conflict resolution than you even give me the opportunity to show you and implement into our relationship! I can't even THINK properly or say what I need to or how i really feel in a loving way because you are screaming at me and telling me to shut up so "you can talk". You get me to rattled up before I can even DECIDE myself how i wish to respond! Calling me names, getting hostile and angry and verbally abusive. How can i calmly respond myself when you are in such a state, and im forced to scream as well to be heard. I can't respond properly when put in such a hostile environment, thus I end up saying really hurtful things. I hear what you need, but its not easy to give you what you need when i don't feel my needs are acknowledged anymore than your own. quite honestly, my trust and respect in you will have to be earned back as the majority has deminished. Over a year I've trusted you, from the second i met you i gave you anything i could to help you, i didnt know a god damn thing about you except that God told me "help him". Since then when I did risk everything and put my trust in you, my "respect" has slowly diminished... you promised to "prove yourself", to me and you have done exactly the opposite. YOU ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE. YOU... NOT ME... YOU ASKED FOR THIS, I said "hey your a so far an awesome guy, I'll give you a shot". You made me fall in love with you, once again i was wooed with all the charming words of a "salesman", but when it came following these words with actions, there was NO CONSISTENCY. to a point yes you "followed through", you've helped me with my kids and spent time with me like I asked, but in the long run you where supposed to help bring more STABILITY into our life, we haven't had a single moment to even relax and FEEL "stable" in my eyes. Whether its you not having a job, all the drama with the cars causing me to go jobless for a while, or you yelling at me that i dont properly discipline my kids when i just have a different and more preferred style of it than you do. IT TAKES MORE PATIENCE but is less DAMAGING to them in the long run. You think i want my kids fucked up like you or me because of our parents? I have gone to weeks upon weeks of PARENTING CLASS'S... i didn't just sit there and learn bull shit... i am not just integrating BULL SHIT into their lives. Just because I dont discipline the way you where taught or raised doesn't mean my way is wrong. You are BRAND NEW to this family, keep that in mind, I have been raising my kids from birth, i KNOW them, and the dynamics of our miniature family; sometimes you are out of line with how you deal with them. I try to explain things to you, that they are CHILDREN, like Eli lying is pretty much normal, you dont scream at them, they dont even know what they are doing consciously, but you use every mistake as an opportunity to TEACH! This is still something i am reprogramming myself. the times that i feel you are out of line; i stand up for my children and I will not be made to feel like shit because I am doing so. If i feel at any point the energy gets to hostile towards them, no matter what they have done; i will intervene. If im being hostile and cussing at them then PLEASE step in and help DEFUSE the situation, not elevate it. Do so by Telling me "hey calm down, i know you are upset but please stop cussing at them, go for a walk take a break" I will do that for you, but you must also be willing to hold me accountable when i slip up and do it, as im not perfect and usually only happens when im on my period, otherwise i can handle my kids pretty well and have plenty of patience in disciplining them. sometimes i PICK MY BATTLES. But think about it, if we can't even fucking agree how to raise my already two existing children, what makes you think we can add a baby to the mix anytime soon, let along talk about having one together in the future. We're stressed beyond our MAX combined with everything already on our plate, i do not wish to add more. And as much as you hate their father, im tired of hearing how much you hate him and the energy that you rattle up anytime he's mentioned. That has also one thing that causes a good majority of our fights. instead of just letting me vent and figure shit out, letting me LET GO OF MY NEGATIVITY toward him, you only INCREASE it. I fucking hate him too, but i have to DEAL with him regardless and i dont need an increase of negativity when im already dealing with the Devil. he will ALWAYS be a nuisance and NOTHING with be fairly done where he is involved, it will always be something stupid i have to deal with. i have accepted this.. ive stopped putting up resistance as it wastes more energy. i don't fight with ben or engage with him anymore. I do what I can on my own for our children, but overall i try to fucking ignore the bastard and live life as if he doesnt exist. I pretend he doesn't in my own mind. so DOING EVERYTHING MYSELF is the normal for me. Simply not depending on him, what so ever, is what brought me the most freedom, even with the stress of taking care of two kids basically as a SINGLE mother. I AM a single mother. he may have the kids 50%... but as you already know... he's a POS and i do the majority of everything.. As much as i feel hes a shitty father, my kids don't need to hear the shit talk. They don't need to be dragged in the middle, made to compare or choose him or me. That is not fair to make them do that at their age. I hate doing that to my kids. It is not okay.
I trusted you, time and time and time and time again and all i keep hearing is "im trying im trying im trying". When all you do is "try" and nothing changes, trust doesnt remain there. im tired of that phrase. I'm no longer TRYING... I AM DOING. Glad to see you started to DO something as well by finding a job, do what you should have been doing this entire year strait so we wouldn't have had to go through even HALF the fights and arguments and overall stress that the financial burden has placed on our relationship. we could have may had more of a luxury to GO ON DATES and do FUN stuff couples should do. Why the fuck didnt YOU have enough respect for ME, knowing i'm the best thing you could ever find (or so you tell me), but you didnt do shit to "court" me. Do i not deserve this or must i be "owned" right away before giving it time to see if we are a truly compatible couple and it was a HEALTHY thing for us both? I am a traditional dater, us living together... not something I expected to happen so soon. Its not any more of an easy adjustment for you as it is for me living with someone new Brandon. Had you truly taken time to get to know me and where i was/am at you would have learned these things. I actually wanted to live on my OWN (without daddy) for a while until I was in another SERIOUS relationship. Actually experience life ON MY OWN which i havent ever been allowed to do. i just want freedom to be me, discover myself, allow myself to grow with no limitations of someone else giving me their opinions of how i should or shouldn't do so. But regardless, this is what I chose. I don't regret it but I was not expecting it to be this much of a struggle.
It just blows my mind that I was a therapist to 4 people today, but my wisdom from such a career is completely overlooked when I come home. People come to me to feel PEACE... i bring them this SERENITY, and they value my advice. WHY CANT I FEEL THIS WHEN I COME HOME!??? WHY CANT THE MAN WHO SAYS HE WANTS TO MARRY ME RESPECT ME IN THE SAME WAY, AND ACTUALLY DO WHAT HE'S BEEN PROMISING FOR OVER A YEAR! All i hear is "in my time"... there is no "YOUR" TIME... THE ONLY TIME YOU HAVE IS NOW!!!!! Change has been seeded, I did all the yard work already!!!!!... NOW WATER THE SHIT AND LET IT BLOOM PLEASE! Stop digging the seeds up!
Yeah im sorry i came home and was irritated for a brief second that you didnt wait to smoke the weed i paid for until i got home; so because I chose to smoke a bowl before "acknowledging" you, which i did acknowledge you, i said "hi" then i questioned why my weed was low, you told me why and i simply said "lets go smoke a bowl". From then on there is just the cold shoulder and you with a terrible facial expression on your face that I didn't even WANT to approach. You didn't "feel" approachable, still dont. Not to mention but you need to do research on the 5 love languages. NOT EVERYONE SHOWS LOVE THE SAME WAY OR EXPRESS'S IT THE SAME WAY. When I come home I want 30 mins to unwind, maybe an hour, is that too much to ask especially when im PMSING? If you want a hug or kiss right away, you initiate it, otherwise i'll approach you when im ready. It's nothing fucking personal, i fucking love you, but just because i dont kiss you when i get home doesnt mean you need to go ballistic on me.
YOU ARE OVERREACTING... and this time if you leave... then leave. NO MORE WILL I HAVE TO DEAL WITH SHAKING IN MY OWN SKIN AND FEELING LIKE THROWING UP BECAUSE MY EMPATHIC SELF CAN FEEL EVERYTHING YOU ARE DIRECTING TOWARDS HER X100 BUT NOT SAYING SHIT. You probably tried "texting" me when you where in your truck earlier, well my phone is dead... and now im not even going to give the texts my time of day.
Don't guilt trip me or give yourself an ego trip any longer. if you aren't happy, then go. I am not forcing you to stay!!! I don't WANT you to go, I am trying to love you unconditionally with every fiber of my being, but apparently the love i have to offer at this time, is not what you where looking for nor is enough and you just feel like shit. well i feel like shit too, just as equally as you do! I've been around for over a year trying to make you happy, lift you up, help you build a new life, motivate you, encourage you, SUPPORT YOU; you think you have been "helping me" but it has not felt like help, instead of trying to balance my two kids and myself now i have to balance you too. Through all this still all you see is that "i do nothing for you and I don't care. I'm just a bitch who wants it all her way"... I'm not "equally trying to change" yet im the ONLY one getting the "therapy" I need, the emotional and mental support that you have not been able to provide me though you have been trying. I have been adequately finding ways to properly handle my emotions and releasing them, constantly searching new ways to "let go" and be conscious and to unconditionally love others , I am learning but at least i am DOING. I aint perfect at it, but I am getting a hell of a lot better everyday that i don't give up. Regardless of allowing myself to heal... TRULY HEAL, (for fuck sake i even learned a new healing modality, Reiki... is not just a hocus pocus thing i took time to learn and study). I did it to help myself heal and everyone else i can. In all the effort i have given forth to the change i have already began integrating into my life before i chose you to join it, I am not allowing the old negative and dysfunctional cycles in my life to continue. which at this point it feels like they are. if you feel i am "distant" for any reason, or closed off or have begun pushing you away, that is why. Because these cycles are not welcome back into my life and any hint of them returning will be squashed before they take years of my life away.
I feel like you do not know me at all. in over a year and a half, i still feel we dont "know" a damn thing about each other. I'm tired of being turned into this person and made to feel like someone that I am NOT (im sure you feel the same way), being backed into a wall forced to defend myself time and time again, just to be told "im so insecure and have no confidence" when in truth I AM FUCKING CONFIDENT and i have a hell of a lot more security in who i am than the majority of the people on this planet. I may deny my beauty when you tell me im beautiful but that isnt a LACK of confidence. I may have my small spouts of depression and can't see "the light at the end of the tunnel" for a brief moment, but that shit dont last long. that shit used to last MONTHS and i would damn near kill myself. Well... that is not me anymore. the Caterpillar is transforming into a butterfly and im going to fly away. I'm taking fucking CONFIDENCE BUILDING AND MOVEMENT class's... learning to actually love the body im in, and start speaking differently toward myself, CHANGE my mind, my life... actually EMBODY that which i talk about... and living it in integrity. THIS IS WHAT I WANT, WHAT IM DOING, and my heart is mending and learning to love again as I trust my own intuition and LISTEN TO MY BODY. My body is currently quivering and I feel like a cold front hit me tonight.
My body shaking from all this bull shit is telling me IT DOES NOT WANT THIS. My heart screams "YOU LOVE HIM, YOU HAVE HOPE AND FAITH IN HIM, DONT GIVE UP; GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HIM MORE TIME!" but where do i draw the line, how do i clarify my boundaries... how long do i wait? I don't feel I should have to "wait" for someone when I know there is someone out there who can make my life a lot easier, instantly. I can wait for my twin flame brandon, but I may not meet my counterpart in this lifetime. At this time i have chosen YOU, I want YOU, but YOU are not the one making the decision, who isn't being honest. You keep asking me "why am i here then"... I CANNOT ANSWER THAT FOR YOU. Why are you here? I know why I'm here... I'm here to heal, to help, I am an ANCHOR of the NEW ENERGY that is trying to TRANSFORM your life, I know who i am, what I want, where I want to go. I need a man who is conscious of the same and not just drifting through life "surviving". Im not here to survive, im here to thrive and help others thrive, build my tribe! I may not have all the "answers" right away, im not meant to... but I know taking the right steps in fulfilling my life purpose, and being in a dysfunctional relationship really distracts me from what I am supposed to be doing right now. i at least KNOW my life purpose and have excitement and passion to find it! IT DRIVES ME! The more I learn, the more I grow, the more i expand, the more i am able to love. I beat my dark night of the soul, i tasted Heaven and now im bringing it to Earth. WHY CAN'T YOU GRASP THE DEPTH OF THESE WORDS I SPEAK AND FEEL WHAT I FEEL!
These fights happen simply because you are insecure and can't feel or understand where I'm coming from to begin with. when i express this... you just assume im saying you're stupid... which again...not words out of my mouth what so ever, stop projecting what you think about yourself onto me, or what people USED to tell you growing up; because I don't think that. I yelled at my dad for calling you "worthless", i would NEVER want to make someone feel like that since i grew up feeling like that my WHOLE LIFE. I just think you need to learn and train yourself to pay more attention and be more conscious of things. You cant use your past, your fears, how anyone else has treated you, what happened to you at birth, as an excuse to be play the victim anymore. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM HERE! STOP DWELLING ON ALL THAT SHIT, fucking do something to CHANGE it, otherwise stop dragging me back down into these mucky and negative energies i busted MY ASS to drag MYSELF THROUGH and separate myself from before I met you. Now i feel like I just mirror you, and I can't fucking handle it anymore because you also mirror the worst in me back to me. we are soulmates, we come from the same soul, what we dislike in the other is something we must face the truth about ourselves. I see what you mirror to me but you do not see what i mirror to you. I'm not going to continue a life of "surviving" ... i am meant to thrive, and I will reach this potential. Either you start integrating some TRUST, confidence, self discipline, and respect for yourself, (so that i can also respect you, if you dont respect yourself why would you expect anyone to treat you the way you dont even treat yourself) or else I simply won't stick around. Again... i wont cheat on you brandon i will just fucking leave. i think this is the billionth time ive said it, and like the 3rd letter . I need someone who has their shit together, not someone whos going to bring dysfunctional baggage to my already overly weighted life. I need to be able to release some of the baggage, not ADD TO IT. I have been removing the "dysfunction" in my own life a bit at a time. Aside from living with an alcoholic father and simply needing my OWN SPACE to "Do what I need to do" as an independent adult (and someone whos craving FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE ABOVE ANYTHING ELSE)... I was stabilizing my life after my ex husband. After being the ONLY ONE to raise myself up from the ashes everyone burned me into, I'm not going to so easily allow myself to depend on another man again, especially one who has shown no consitancy. sure you have "stuck around" for a year and a half and probably had to deal with your own fair share of bull shit (mostly from my judgemental ass holes of a family) but i warned you about them before we started dating. I told you how my dad would feel in regards you to already being homeless, me sneaking you into his house, and then (even though it wasnt your fault) being jobless, not to mentions all the bull shit regarding the cars and all the money wasted in that fiasco. My dad assumes im making the same STUPID mistake I did with EVERY OTHER GUY I've dated. Ive busted my ass to try and show and prove to them that you are not the same, that you are different, but all this crap and its the same fucking dynamics as in the past, is just not "helping" me defend you. My own close friends see it and tell me quietly... i cannot ignore it brandon. They see how much strain I have been under and constantly wonder "why i choose these types of relationships" and I DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHY. I guess I'm USED TO IT so i guess i just keep putting up with it. I told you what i needed you to not necessarily prove to me... but SHOW me. I am not okay being the "bread winner" of us two. I don't make enough money to support the both of us and my children, didn't from the very beginning, you KNEW this. Not to mention when i am FORCED (because you dont know how to manage money) to be the one to deal with everything financial, its then held over my head that im the only one in "control" when I am not. i don't want things all my way, i just know how to be organized and manage things, ITS A FUCKING GIFT stop turning me into the monster because that shows that i can be dependable and consistent! You are as much in control as you are willing to take the responsibility for, unfortunately i don't feel like you are ready for any of it, if you are, you actions don't quite depict it to me. well this is your billionth chance and if you can SHOW ME by keeping this job and having some responsibility and consistency in paying your own bills and affording to pay for your own cigarettes, (if you choose not to quit, then SAY so and stop telling me you are going to) and MMJ, then I'm willing to keep putting energy into this relationship. I can't keep financially supporting you brandon, I think that is where I just can't keep "giving". Naturally if you can do this on your own, my "respect" and appreciation will also grow, my attitude will change and I'll be more affectionate and you know with you working thats a lot less stress on me. If i wasnt so financially strung out i wouldnt be such a bitch, honestly brandon. You've helped me with my kids, thats great but what i needed help with is not my kids... i can put them in daycare and find alternative sitters when you are working and i am working, I've been managing myself and my kids on my own for quite some time now; what ive NEEDED from you the MOST... IS TO WORK! My issue the most with you has been the job hopping and excuse after excuse when it doesnt work out. That and you could find a job a lot quicker, but you arent willing to quit long enough to pass a piss test, this was another one of my frustrations and why you always ended up with "shit" jobs. at this point i am jumping up and down with joy Thanking GOD you got a job. I just pray to god and hope it lasts this time and you arent "back at it" in another month etc. It really lowers my respect when you sit there, say you found a job but you aren't even smiling that you have a job... all you can say is "its just $9.00 an hour". well for one thats PROBATIONARY PAY and 2 they arent piss testing you and 3 what the fuck do you expect when you dont have any credentials to get a higher paying job? JUST BE GLAD YOU FOUND A JOB that pays ABOVE min wage... BE THANKFUL, i sure as hell am! If we are moving out of the old apt and into a new place, i need to know i can depend on you when we do this. Bills will be lowered but do not expect me this time around to pay your $300 in rent or half of any of the other bills. If you can't "make the rent" or pay half the bills I am not going to keep enabling your habits and cover it anymore. You need to actually keep a job this time, help me with the kids so i can work some evening shifts and the weekends (this is really the ONLY time i ask for help with them, unless they are sick or my CCAP relapses; and is really the ONLY time i "need" help)
You keep talking about marrying me, but you can hardly even support yourself. Why even bring up marriage when this is the reality of the situation! If i wasn't busting my ass Brandon we'd still be living in a fucking car. YOU might be okay with that... BUT I AM NOT. you're trying to help support "us" but we've barely made it by, i could have saved SO much money if i stayed at dads for another year and then right about NOW be getting a place. my prayers at this point have benefited more than what you have contributed financially. I don't even know if I want to get "remarried", and every time you bring it up i want to scream, I dont even want to think about that. That isn't even an OPTION right now. For this to even be a possibility CONSISTENCY is what I need to witness, experience and feel to fully trust and allow myself to depend on someone the way you expect and want me to. how can i allow myself to DEPEND on someone and fully trust them when they do not show this quality. CONSISTENCY=the key to stability. Mess with my stability and you awaken the beast libra! Consistency to me is leaving to get to work on time and able to hold a decent job, being able to manage and be responsible with money, utilizing patience and non aggressive discipline when child rearing. Not complaining about helping in the home nor needing direction for everything that should get done "consistently" by joint efforts around the home, follow through with what you say you will do no matter how big or small, being mindful and caring of your own high gene and health. the list goes on further but that is only a few "idea's"
I WISH you could see my SOUL. I wish you loved... my soul. I wish you cared to get to KNOW my soul. If you did, we wouldn't have such a dysfunctional relationship. I see your soul. I love you. I wish you saw your own soul, stopped trying to run away in fear or expected rejection every time it's mirrored to you through someone else. I don't run away Brandon, it's you whos so quick to "leave"... how can i trust that you WON'T leave when you're packing your shit every time we get into the slightest argument. Youre actions speak louder than your words. You could have approached me very differently tonight, reacted very differently, just like our last fight that left me spewing how i feel all over facebook. Nothing is changing, the fights getting more frequent. You just feel like I hate you and want me to validate it for you. I won't validate that. Because I love you. It's you pushing away, always has been. I have no other choice to push away also when you do this. My problem is all i feel like youre doing is "lying" and leading me on. You can't keep saying your sorry and doing the same bull shit over and over. What are you doing to change? If you ALLOWED me to I would show you ALL i am doing to change, and what is HELPING me do so. IT IS NOT EASY. I fuck up too, I'm not saying I don't. I know i do and the last time we discussed all this i did listen to you, i know my letters can seem like you are all to blame, and you arent, but the majority of all this stuff comes from you not being willing to admit you made a mistake or pull your own weight. I have my own shit that I'm muddling through, I understand that you need love, you need me to express more appreciation and acknowledge you. I am working on this, as you show consistency my own attitude will change. When i am under stress i "isolate" myself, when Im on my period half the time i just wish i could be alone for the whole week so I don't hurt anyone else. I understand you are reacting like this because you are feeling hurt. Brandon I'm hurt too, and i dont want to make you feel more hurt! I need to say what i need to say and be fucking blunt about it, there's no other way getting your attention. You not having a consistent job being able to pay your equal amount in bills, yelling at my kids for just "acting their age" and having no patience with them when you are asked to watch them (i feel like you say you love my kids, but it doesnt feel like you do, you only put up with them because you "love" me. you otherwise would rather just have a baby of our own and probably not have to deal with thier BS), or getting mad at me when I have repeatedly asked you to do something a certain way, and you dont make any attempts to "listen" or REMEMBER what I say so it causes more fights when its not done correctly. Like our fight at the apartment when we where doing the DE shit, that was another bull shit fight. Another prime example of you simply "making a mistake" and getting mad at me and turning me into the bad guy instead of just fessing up to the "mistake" and us moving forward. I told you the day before EXACTLY what needed to be done, you can assume all you want im being to phsyco about these bugs but its better to be safe then sorry god damn it! I know none of the shit in that apartment is yours but GOD DAMN I AT LEAST CARE ABOUT IT! It pissed me off that the instant you get to the apt you turn the fucking tv on and smoke a bowl. you had the whole ride to the apt to smoke a bowl... youre there to do what needed to be done, NOT LAZILY, and then go home. I wasn't even supposed to be there and you where supposed to go earlier in the day. BUT you had to have our friends hold your hand and come help you. this is something you could have, had you tried, done by yourself, Not something that needed 4 people. I told you, VACUUM everything FIRST, move everything from the wall, do it along the walls, then you needed to throw away the bag, then you needed to lay it down EVERYWHERE. You decided to start a fight over how i decided to vacume and yes since YOU werent the one vacuuming i was doing it MY way... and you got MAD at me for that. SO WHAT if i wanted to vacume the middle first, i did that so i could manuver the vacume AROUND the fucking couch, move the couch THEN vacume behind it. I MOVE WITH THE FLOW OF THE ROOM, there is LITTLE space to work with there, you think i make things harder and im a fucking idiot but IM NOT BRANDON. After you getting mad for me telling you i was mad because i already told you all this shit needed to happen and the fact i knew IT WOULDNT GET DONE PROPERLY had i not been there, is what pissed me off. I WISH i could TRUST you to do something and remember what to do without me having to repeat myself all the time or having to drag our friends to help you when you are grown fucking adult and should be able to handle it on your own. You do not have the right to get pissed off at me once i've lost my patience because this is the ONLY thing you are consistent in doing! "disability" or not... i know your fucking better than this shit! When i pointed this out you got mad and started egging on a fight. you arent always yelled at and treated like shit brandon, i dont do that unless you truly ARENT FUCKING LISTENING and it was IMPORTANT to me that you did. IF YOU FUCKING CARED MORE WE WOULDNT BE HAVING SO MANY ISSUES. It further pissed me off that the fact you didnt even REMEMBER that you had to vacuum everything first since i had to remind you that it needed to be done while you started spreading all the DE in the living room and i was working on the bedrooms. Then "me" having the vacuuming and starting in the rooms switched into another "excuse" for you "waiting" to do anything and needing my specific direction when i bitched that the first thing you did was turn on the TV to a wrestling show. You should have already been vacuuming before i even GOT THERE, so saying i was using it and using that as an excuse to not be doing anything, or to sidetrack from the mistakes YOU did make, was bull shit. I could have found some DE myself, told you to save your gas, and gone over and done everything myself. It would have been a LOT less stressful then dealing with the bull shit that came from you that day. You say you dont manipulate Brandon, but in some ways you do, and i can see through it and i will not tolerate it. You say i manipulate, i do not... i lay everything out on the table and present the fucking FACTS i have, don't like the "track record" you have created, dont fucking blame me for it. DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT. Don't fucking get mad at me for being mad that i already gave you directions, you blatantly not listening to them, then contradicting yourself by yelling at me to tell you what you should do after yelling at me for needing to always do it my way, which had fucking NOTHING to do with it. Thats why i said to fucking figure it out yourself and started doing things my own way at that point, either way i was going to be harassed. i do not need to tell you, you put this expectation on me to direct you since you cant do so yourself, when i follow through i am MANIPULATED into the bad guy. YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CANT FORCE IT TO DRINK!
The only time you "open up" to me or i learn anything about you is when you are doing what you are tonight. You talk about people being "honest up front"... well i ask you strait up "whats wrong with you" and obviously something is wrong cuz you are stomping around the house and slamming shit. Well I'm not going to chase after you, that would only be enabling the behavior and I already "know" what you are going to say because i can FEEL YOUR ENERGY and i'm sorry but i am NOT going to get into it again and DO THIS WITH YOU. "you always say that"... yeah i do...ITS SOMETHING I LEARNED FROM AL ANON and this time... IM NOT FUCKING JOKING, either this type of shit needs to stop becoming an issue or this is it. we're FINETO and you can find somewhere else to live and a new girlfriend.
I AM ON MY MOTHER FUCKING PERIOD AND ITS A NEW MOON AROUND THE CORNER. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GOTTA FUCK WITH ME THIS TIME OF THE MONTH KNOWING I'M MOODY, JUST NEED SOME SPACE, AND YOU NEED TO STOP TAKING IT SO PERSONALLY! JUST BACK THE FUCK OFF. SERIOUSLY. IF YOU ARE INTERNALIZING AND FEELING MISGUIDED AS TO MY REASONS OF NEEDING SPACE THEN THAT IS SOMETHING YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH. I AINT CHEATING ON YOU, I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY LESS. SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST NEED TO BE ALONE, to do whatever the fuck they want to do and not be guilt tripped for it! I NEVER GET THAT OPPORTUNITY! At work I'm around people, i give them my energy, at home I'm around people who also syphon my energy (not always in a bad way), LIKE FUCK, can't i smoke a god damn bowl, eat some fucking food, THEN give you a hug?! I GET WORN OUT TOO DAMN IT and if that is something you want then fucking come hug me yourself!
I was actually going to come home today and say "hey baby i missed you" and kiss you, like I know you want me to do for you and to show you and be affectionate but I'm sorry that didn't happen quickly enough, so now you are putting yourself in the dog house. yes I was a little disappointed to find out you smoked some of the weed the ONLY day I left it home in hopes I could trust you to wait for me to get home to smoke WITH me and everyone else. I have been sharing it with everyone, not smoking it, not a single bit of it on my own even when its with me all day. I figured you could wait a FEW hours, figured you could have that much self control... and respect for the weed that you did not have to pay for yourself and currently dont have money right now to replace what you smoke, to wait for the person you love to come home and smoke it WITH her since there was maybe three bowls left. Yes, THAT is what irritated me, but instead of "bitching" and making a huge issue out of it like i normally would do i basically shrugged it off and told you to come outside and smoke. I was over it. But After that all you did was have attitude. I tell you to SMILE and you say "i am"... FUCKING BULL SHIT. For once I wanna see you smile... i don't give a fuck about your teeth... I want to see you embody some confidence, sit up strait, smile! THAT IS ATTRACTIVE! THE WAY YOU CARRY YOURSELF SAYS A LOT ABOUT YOU! Body language speaks before you mouth does, i am learning in my classes and becoming more aware of my own "movement"! (maybe i'd rather kiss a pair of "happy lips" rather than ones drooping low to the ground!) After that you started to stick your finger in my face, i asked you to stop, you insisted on continuing until i told you in a firm tone "why you gotta go do the opposite of what im asking you NOT to do!?" (cuz thats not the way to "get my attention", you dont like it when eli does it to you, dont you honestly think i would enjoy that too!?) and you got all butt hurt and told me "fuck you"... no ... not fuck me. I don't need to be treated like that when I DID NOTHING WRONG! And this whole attitude tonight... no I will not allow you to turn this on me and make me feel like shit. Fuck that. If you want my attention dont put fingers in my face... gently caress my face bring it to yours and fucking kiss it.. or pick me up, throw me against the wall, kiss me passionately and say "damn it i missed you today im so glad youre home!", i cant fucking do crazy shit like that to you! get off your ass from the tv you where watching the majority of the day... and do something like that. I'm sorry but i'm not going to come "interrupt you" when i get home cuz the last man i ever did that too... screamed at me for just wanting his attention and trying to kiss him, two weeks later he was with another bitch and asking for divorce. Apparently cant make a man happy whether you give him attention or not... I'm sorry if im somewhat DAMAGED right now in being able to give affection. I havent ever been shown it properly! I gave affection 24/7, never received it. So maybe... im in a phase in life that i need to receive it, be shown it first. I know that when we first started dating i did show it, i showed it TOO much that you asked me to stop, it was too much and you "werent used to it". That isn't something you can ask me to "stop" because then it STOPS... either im TOO affectionate/needy or i'm not enough/a stone cold bitch. I have no middle ground nor do i know how to find it right now. YOU take the initiative because I DONT KNOW HOW and ive taken the initiative, it feels, IN EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE. Don't get angry with me when what i need is a man to show me the opposite of what every man has up until this point already proven to me. I don't want sex, i dont want to hear "i want you" as a means of starting "something". You ever think that I want real AFFECTION. Like fucking sit here and make out with me, scratch my head/hair, touch my body, actually fucking TOUCH IT, feel it, respect it, "drink it in"... tell me i have soft skin as you gaze upon my naked body, run your fingers along my entire body and caress it giving me goosbumps. Fuck even when i hint to you what i would like when i see it in a movie and you are right there, you just fucking laugh at me and im DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS. I RESPOND TO TOUCH, I touch more when I am touched first. I enjoy massage more then i enjoy fucking sex. I know you ask for massage but massage is my "job" when i tell you "yes i will"... i fucking mean it... but if you really want it to happen, fucking lay down on the bed in a way that i CAN rub it and say "hey can you rub my back now before we go to bed" or if its earlier, you CAN go get my table, set it up for me, lay down on it and that will be hint enough of "oh my man needs some love". If we can have a night of just TOUCHING each other, enjoying each others company, just innocence and gentleness... that would be amazing. Touching, kissing, possibly talking about shit we've never talked about before (i could stay up in the past with guys talking for 5 hours strait... i dont understand why WE cant fucking do this!). FUCK SEX... FUCK ORGASMS. FUCK HEARING FROM YOU "DO YOU LIKE THAT DICK?!". Yes I like your dick, but im tired of talking like that when we're trying to be 'in the moment', id rather be able to ENJOY it rather than fucking think about a response to give you. You can tell me all you want how beautiful I am, but I don't want to hear my PHYSICAL attributes and qualities of my personality i know I have. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE compliments (though im shy and terrible at returning compliments, they still mean more to me said, than going unspoken)... but it matters little to me in comparison to my soul. TELL ME WHAT YOU LOVE ABOUT MY SOUL. See value in my soul, not my fucking body. Stop freaking out that every man wants me because you are looking at me from a physical standpoint, i fucking HATE that and find it demeaning. Like how can you at one point fall in love with with me for the pure fact that im "compassionate and caring"... now... now 1 1/2 yr down the road... im just a bitch and i dont care everytime we fight. my compassion is overlooked and how much i have cared taken very lightly. Instead you use it against me to tell me i am too nice and i allow others to take advantage of me, and to a point i do... but I don't need you to take control of that aspect of my life. to "worry" and be paranoid in regards to ANYONE i socialize with, work with or befriend. I need to be trusted. protect me but dont fucking suffocate me. I dont need you to assume i "need help" not letting others take advantage of me. I dont need help... i have discernment enough at this point that i can make my own friends, decisions and TRUST my own choices... and if shit happens then it fucking happens, theres a lesson learned... or a blessing in everything. I don't need a prince to "save" me, im not a fucking princess. I don't need another replica of my father around telling me what i can or cannot do, that im too "naive" on my own. I DONT NEED THAT. I need a KING who allows his QUEEN to come along side him to trust and rule and help lead and guide him. A true king does not feel inferior or intimidated by his Queen for he knows he wouldn't have built his kingdom correctly without her. A man is "the head" of the household but the woman... IS THE NECK, the neck steers the head for a very important reason!!!!!
You don't like me posting on facebook, no one ever does, but I don't care who im dating (or even if you are a family member or friend, it wont stop me), if you are going to get angry and leave me or stop being my friend, for something i express in writing on facebook or writing a letter... then i dont see a reason to stay in said relation. I'm gunna say what the fucks on my mind. You express yourself how you want, i deserve to do the exact same. I don't like how you did it, neither do you like my way, so what are we supposed to do? I know... find a relationship counselor, oh wait wheres the time and money that is needed to go to one?... why the fuck am I not allowed a functional relationship, and not need "therapy" to manage one without going insane. FUCK i thought this one would turn into that, there are literally TWO THINGS that could "destroy" this relationship or "match"... i chose to come into the relationship based off of the following information i learned about us: "What I have found is that you have seven shared astrological aspects between both your charts, further to this only two of these are negative. These negative aspects can easily be worked on if you both did want to get into a relationship together - your Mars is squared off to his Uranus which means that you could share a deeply unique attraction which seems to just rise out of nowhere however this could leave just as quickly as it comes. The other negative aspect of your synastry is that you may find that he does not live up to expectations when or if you get together. Looking at the positives of which there are many I see lots of good intellectual, spiritual and physical attraction energy within your chart. I know you are not looking for love, but if you were you could well be blessed with him!"
Well so far theres more cursing towards one another than there is blessings. we hurt one another more than we make each other happy. I want to get past these two negative points... but if we cannot, I would much rather be alone.
It's when I'm writing on facebook that when you know shits getting real and this is how i deal. I'm ready to heal, no longer will i kneel, i will say how I feel.
Always remember this... i do not NEED you. So if you choose to leave, leave, that might be what is best for you at this time, but please realize I do love you and WANT you in my life, I may not "need" you, i dont want to have to "need" you but none the less... i still chose you and you still chose me, there is a purpose for our meeting and our relationship, it has made me face a lot of things about myself and not necessarily things i like, but things that need transformation, and it is for that reason, this mirroring, that I have not given up. I am learning and i dont pass up an opportunity to do so. I pray this dynamic doesn't last forever, that things smooth out with us soon but in the meantime I am learning much about my conditioned habits, my fears, my "expectations", my ego... my shadow, trying to balance it and come from spirit, not my ego, or frustration or anger. I AM THANKFUL God put you here to show me and force me to face these things, but you must realize he is also using me in the same way for you! I know in some ways i resist the same way you do, but I AM learning to LET GO, and move on. I don't know what is going to happen to us Brandon, I dont like feeling like this and being so uncertain. I want us to work, but what if we arent in each others lives for the purpose of a romantic relationship? sometimes you learn all you can from a person or relationship, it isn't meant to last FOREVER in the way that you wish it would. Some relationships are meant to be crazy and then fizzle away. You either stay in one anothers lives or you continue to help one another, but why must you have someone "romantically" and if you cant have them that way, then nothing at all? Why must this be made so painful, when such suffering is unnecessary. There's a reason i hold no attachments to anything, or at least attempt not to (possibly just my kids... but my kids are what have KEPT me here and i feel if i separate myself from them, i will never be able to forgive myself, that just isnt the same when they are innocent children), i do not wish to endure this type of pain and suffering any longer and thus up till this point it has been a choice of my own. The people i WANT in my life, that are meant to be in my life, are here. I support them, love them unconditionally, and I will never abandon them, just as i believe i have shown you, but if they do nothing in return to help also better my life and all they do is create unnecessary drama and stress in my life (and its a never ending cycle for us both), putting weights on my ankles so that I cannot grow, I will not hesitate anymore in my life to separate myself from that which no longer serves my highest good and well being. Whether it being people or material items. It's neither healthy for me nor said other person or thing involved to continue such cycles in their lives. I do not want to be forced to separate myself from you, but if you continue this path or mistrust, doubt, fear of rejection and and resistance to change, i will be. The whole time we've been at our friends, they have validated to me and you multi times that they are okay with us moving in, that it would HELP them even if we did, though you second guess it over and over... even they say themselves "why do you feel like you arent welcome and like no one wants you here? you are the only one feeling that way, why are you doing that to yourself?" i ask the same thing brandon, why do you do this to yourself? You aren't just hurting yourself, you are hurting me too, i dont know if you recognize that.
When you're done pouting or feeling sorry for yourself come inside from the truck you have insisted on sleeping in for some idiotic reason and watch a movie with me. Otherwise... I'm just not feeding into this anymore. If you can't knock it off (because i sure as hell am not the one who started this) then I am not going to continue to consciously CHOOSE to be in a Co-Dependent relationship with you, its too draining. I am here to HELP you but i refuse to continue enabling you. If me saying all this offends you, i apologize but i have to be blunt. I will not choose to be in a relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. I do not want someone enabling these things in me nor do i want to enable them in the other person. My goal is to move OUT of this need or mindset. I have been "guilty" of it too, as we both come from an alcoholic family, but i am actually consciously being aware to it and changing and doing something to shift and transform myself and my own mind and limitations! i am not allowing any addictions, mental health issues, immaturity, irresponsibility or under achievement to turn me into a victim anymore, or take away my "power". I am taking ACTION, no longer will i have make excuses that will only lead me to feel depressed or angry. NO, i will be STRONG, i will rise above all of that and be a leader, a healer, a teacher. If I am going to do this... either my significant other needs to do so equally... with just the same effort... or just let me go at it alone.
All of this is childish. I'm done with childish games. I have been through enough therapy already to be able to tell when enough is enough. I had a marriage like this once before, all he did was shut me out too and i was always to blame... i dealt with years of emotional abuse and an inability to communicate (not because of me, i did EVERYTHING to try and communicate with him) made the mistake of trusting his words rather than his actions for YEARS, promises that all where broken. I can't "wait" for another man to MAYBE change as he claims hes "trying". I am not sitting here "comparing you" but i am not going to keep my mouth shut when i see major red flags waiving in my face! I shouldnt have to... fuck neither of us should be trying to "change" the other into something the either is not. If you feel i am doing this to you, just be honest with me. If you aren't ready, willing, wanting for such a change in your life then PLEASE make a decision. i have changed, i will only continue to do so for the better. We both deserve to be happy, and if "happiness" isnt truly being created in our union...then we're at a crossroads. There is potential for so much happiness and blessings between us, i just dont understand what the fuck is BLOCKING us. I'm doing EVERYTHING i can, and i am exhausted. If POSITIVE change doesnt happen, i am a libra... I HAVE TO HAVE BALANCE AND CONSISTENCY, i have experienced none of that in the past year and a half let alone half the entire relationship i had with Ben. I've put this much energy into us but I cannot plan or continue to build a life with someone in this dysfunctional manor. I WANT/NEED A LIFESTYLE change... NOW... not "in your time"... BUT NOW. Start setting GOALS and follow through with them. You can go ahead and view it as me "needing it done my way"... but it has nothing to do with MY way... it has to do with the respectful, CONSCIOUS, GODLY way Brandon! You found a mother fucking QUEEN, now rise to the role and play your roll as a KING or step down and be the joker. You CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF, MAKE A DECISION. I made mine, a year and a half ago... stop trying to make a decision that is yours to make, not mine. you know where i stand, now it is up to you to ACT. Is this REALLY what you want, do you really want a life with someone "like me" (which i am unique, theres a reason people either really love me or really hate me!), because you can't seem to handle it so far and I don't want to keep going in these circles with each other.
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