RIP Patrick - My Guardian Angel and Knight In Shining Armor August 31 2011

August 31 2017

Patrick,

6 years ago today you left us to be in a better place. I say the same thing every year: although the pain becomes easier to face with every year that passes, it will never go away. You are constantly in my thoughts...throughout my life I have dealt with the same problems that you were not so fortunate to be able to overcome. Even though being without you is hard and even though I continue to be hard on myself for wishing I could have done or said something to change the outcome, being without you also gives me strength. I want to continue to live for you and to see and enjoy so many of the things that you were not able to. Live vicariously through me brother because I'll be goddamned if I'm going anywhere soon.

I love and miss you. I look forward to the time that we will be able to share a couple beers, and net just as many fish.

Love,
Depew

Friends,
I have chosen to participate in the Out of the Darkness Denver Metro Walk on September 23rd to help raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I have set a fundraising goal of $1,000 and I am asking you to contribute even just a small amount to the cause. If you'd also like to join me, that would be even better - I'd love the company! I am walking in memory of Patrick Horn.
Here is a link to my page and to where you can help donate to my cause:

Click the picture of PATRICK HORN to donate to this cause

Much love - together we can help those who are suffering from the effects of depression

(This photo is of Patrick in his "man cave" with his best friend Eric and his Brother who I was blessed to meet and be acquainted to. Eric is holding Patricks Son. Patricks brother, Mark was the one who found him after the incident.)

It is time that I express something to the world that is in my heart on a constant basis. Today I will talk about a single person - who changed my life forever. I knew him a short time - yet i feel I knew him for my entire life and so i feel very similar to his friend above who posted on his memorial page a week ago. 

I am reminded today about his death through his best friend Eric: his post in memory of him today popped upon my facebook feed. 

It's been 6 years now since he died. The exact age of my son is the same marker for the years he's been gone. I feel like i lost a small piece of myself when he left. I met him at Electric Cowboy and we became friends instantly (though I don't have very good pictures of us sadly) 

6 has been a consistent theme lately - I even wrote about it in my new blog "Trinity's MerKaBah" and it's a good marker, but one a part of me mourns deeply wishing it was not one I have to remember the way I do in remembrance to him. Though it will now always in a way represent him, especially since (as pictured above) he loved doing the "devil horns" for rock on. 

I am sharing this because I saw it on my Patrick's memorial page... and the Walk for Suicide his friend is talking about is on my birthday so I will be attending it and would like to help raise support for the cause he has donation's going for!

Here is my story

Patrick took his own life on August 31st 2011. He's the first and only person I know who took their life with suicide (though myself and a few friends have had multiple attempts throughout our lives, and years of thoughts of it). He was the living reality of what I felt inside. The reflection in the mirror i HAD to wake up and face myself that if I didn't start making a change in my own life - loving myself and detaching from the emotions in life that ruled me - I would die. Whether that be a slow gruesome life of death manifesting all around me, or i took my own life eventually, and believe me - I've been very close in the past.

I knew Patrick only a short time but he effected my life in ways that I can't seem to let go of. He kept me from doing what he ended up doing during my divorce and separation. Almost died of a broken heart and deepest post pardon depression women can get after birth of a child that i had ever experienced; but he was there for me in my darkest moments. He became my home away from home. And very close almost literally my home - the only reason I wasn't living with him around the time he took his life was because my ex husband refused to let me and the kids live with someone i "just met" and only knew for 2 months. Pat and I had a platonic love, though we cuddled at times; fulfilling touch that both of us needed at times (like massage - maybe once was it 3rd base). Instead the universe placed me in a friends condo literally across the street from him. But i got lost for a a month or two in a whirlwind of my ex husband and the mistake of my life David. It came as a shock to me to find out he had passed away from all the RIP's on his facebook. I was trying to get a hold of him - even went to the condo and knocked on the door as I was always welcome - to no answer. I wanted him to come to my birthday party. I had just spoke to him the week before the incident and I feel like i failed somehow - not seeing it coming. I can usually sense people deeper than that; I feel like if i was more "present", then I somehow could have saved him. I was trying to save my marriage that was falling to pieces regardless of my attempts to glue it back together, and when that failed I started dating a douche bag. But i know now you can't save anyone, I had to experience multiple douche bags before I learned this lesson. I know now that my inability to "save" pat is not a burden I should carry. this is not truth and he is always telling me this. One can only save themselves and He made this choice to depart this plane - and that's okay. He's gone, but hes not. I will see him again someday, I feel him everyday so that's special too.

I don't think I even want to really "let him go". A piece of him remains here because his son is still here and he is guarding over him- thus he's here for me too; and many of his friends and family. I feel Pat's spirit around me all the time... He's here just on a different plane but always very present. I could say he's become a guardian angel of sorts of mine. We where always one another's anchors even for the short time I was blessed to know him and because of this his "community" didn't know me that well or get the chance to so I'm probably a ghost to them as well. That's okay though.

I'm just here now to share my story and express that We both went through traumatic times together. Both our spouses abandoned us at around the same time and we both went through a death like loss that was draining our life away. Pat took his life through Suicide because of a broken heart - his "wife" ran away to Bulgaria or some place and took his son with her and away from him and moved in with her parents across the sea. This made his life come crashing down - literally.

Although he tells me all the time to "let it go"; as he has and its petty to hold onto... it's hard for my human ego to forgive someone on account of him for doing that.He's gone now because of her actions. He always told me I was the strongest woman he'd ever met, and wondered where this strength came from. All I could tell him was "God". I was very christian at the time, he looked me strait in the eyes and said "I don't think you even know what you believe of have faith in. You act like you do but you truly have no clue". I had to admit he was right though i denied it at the time.

Over the past few years I've come to truly discover God on a whole new level. He was the one who catalyzed me and light the passion that was once a flicker into a blazing fire to leave a legacy before I die. I didn't know my mission then - but it is what steered my rudder to find it. To find that purpose and leave behind something for my children to take forward. He spoke about how his family did this, and how much he loved them. I could go on and on about our conversations... which usually drowned out Game Of Thrones we would attempt to watch every Sunday, but these are the most prevalent at this time.

I didn't even know his son's mother: but my respect for her was never existent. Pat deserved to have involvement with his son, that right being stripped away from him was not deserved. I guess I feel toward her the way i did for many years towards my ex husband after he tried to do the same (just didn't leave state) and revoke my rights as a mother (this is all described in my blog). I have forgiven him: I was given a 2nd chance not that I ever felt my kids should have been removed from my custody to begin with.

Pat wasn't here to witness these acts of my ex husband: but his spirit was and the strength he brought me through this tribulation cannot be described with words. His death - gave me the courage to stay alive - to be strong through all trials. He said he was too "weak" - but he knew I was not. I guess I'm hurt that Pat wasn't given one of those 2nd chances. He had no choice in the matter he just returned from work one day and various things of hers and his son where missing (everything else abandoned). He wasn't able to make it through the dark night of the soul we all experience as some point in life and that many are going through now. I didn't know then what i know now - and his actions probably are what drove me to discover what i do know now anyway. To truly discover my own "beliefs" and where my faith resides and why. All those huge life questions everyone must ask someday, and what most people give up on discovering when they are right on the cusp of "figuring it out". Pat studied various theologies and religions and he told me "I don't worship any of them, but i pray to all of them just in case; but I know that God exists" His stories and example really began my search for myself. I just wish he could be here to witness how brilliant of a seed he was.

I miss him so much and wish everyday that he was here so I could share this life with him and give him hugs and laugh with him. He was literally my best friend. I have genuine love for him that will always remain. He is now my Angel- A Knight In Shining Armor who will forever remain a guardian of mine. 

I love you Patrick Horn - I won't always mourn but today I shed another tear for you my dear. I will borrow the words of your friend who also holds you near- "I want to continue to live for you and to see and enjoy so many of the things that you were not able to. Live vicariously through me brother because I'll be goddamned if I'm going anywhere soon" and that's because of you!

You're spirit lives on eternally and I'll have that teddy bear hug against someday! For now your spirit will visit my beloved, using him as a gateway and portal so we can have a chat on the bench once and a while. We can enjoy the sunset and I'll hear you say "Pppsshh whatever bud, you don't even know!"

"Sure, sure" I was one of your "Chompa's" too but I got to be the one to witness your true inner "fire power" *does arm movement he always did after he would say this phrase*. As you give me a *DRUM ROLL* Budampa ssshhh. DING! I will always answer your call when you ring. LOVE YOU BUDDY!