MARCH 1 2015
This reading made me cry, brought me relief and clarity and really validated a lot ive been intuitively gathering on my own.
Such as the fact that ive lived most my past lives as a male, so I sometimes have a gender confusion and experience health gynecological issues related to this change of gender over lifetimes. I often feel uncomfortable in my own skin, regardless of my beauty and feel I have always had a hidden "male" knowing or mentality. That and ill be completely honest that im more attracted to the female body then I am male. In this life I am guided to embrace the female aspect/form and have compassion for myself and trust that my soul is doing the best it can. My soul is the result of all my past life experiences.
The situations I am currently experiencing is a result of prior lifetimes, which I had a sense of for a long time, just no clear details. Now from this reading, Perhaps I was a man, the head of the home, protector and bread winner and I experienced my life on a farm (since this card flew out of the box) and I now crave that once simple and happy life. Which honestly I do. I havent had that up until this point in my life, ive had to fight every step of the way, and I feel my family is broken. I believe I enjoyed the warmth of an extended family during that time, that I do not have now, and wish to create. I have a strong urge to become self sustaining and someday having my own home/farm and growing my own garden and reconnecting with animals and nature. This has been a "wish" I couldnt understand its origins until now. I am curious to know if I had a past life accident involving farm equipment that has been carried forward to an unexpected injury now that is needing release.
I know I have relationships in that life that im playing out in this one, and I feel perhaps Brandon my boyfriend is one of them and maybe even my ex husband ben (since hes been in 5 past lives with me, I know brandon has been in one) We all likely played the complete opposite rolls we are now, but where all involved in something on a SOUL level. But going off of the numerology cards I drew today, I am coming to a karmatic completion, and im praying its with them both and honestly given validation today that they are. All I know is im learning important lessons, which are bringing blessings to my present life now. I have mastered how to turn painful events and memories into growth experiences. I can apply this strength to every area of my life and I think the most important area is my love life. Where I felt there has been a huge tear in my heart and the mending has been a gruesome and long endeavor. Only now is there true healing beginning as im learning Self love. I know my current love life is affected by one or more previous lifetimes. Likely, I had a painful experience back then that has caused me to be overly cautious now. Which given the "knowing" that in said previous life he stabbed me in the back and broke my tailbone because he wanted to hold me behind (i know nothing further than that), id say that would put caution up for anyone. But putting that aside in a ball of light and forgiveness, there is karmatic balance in manifestation. In the meantime I believe working on myself can help me reopen my beautiful fun, loving heart again. In that way I can love, and be loved again, and allow the love waiting for me to blossom. This is validation to me that the man (Brandon Huth) I am romantically interested in was also a prominent person in this past life. He may not have been a romantic partner at that time, but our inclination to connect romantically in this life is definitely part of a greater plan.
[And indeed it was... he just wasn't allowed to possess me... and thus he lost me because of his own 'insecurities' and 'victim consciousness' which I was balancing and not stooping to anymore. And I have an update that my neighbor from the apartment in which i wrote this and captures these photos on Jewel street got a hold of me the other day seeking a therapist. He was known as 'Flash' and his real name is Ryan but I will honor his chosen 'nickname'. Brandon tried calling him "Cyclopse" because he is blind in one eye and it is clouded out... i found that cold and mean so never really liked him calling him that but i feel blessed that he has reentered my life... is the only person in those apartments who had moved out that I actually cared to keep in contact with but Brandon was so possessive I never got his number he only ever had my own]
march 3 2017
[an encounter with grandmother Patricia, my mother and her at the time soon to be husband Ron... I was mad at my mother and Ron]
I need to apologize?
BWA HAHAHA
ROFLMAO
Why am i the one who has to apologize when shit goes down? For expressing/mirroring/ empathing a thought form that is not even my own in a single moment and who it belongs to doesnt or wont take accountability of it?! Sorry im psychic and i unintentionally read your mind and emotions and energy body! Cant hide shit from me!
I will not take accountability or responsibility for an energy that doesnt belong to me. I wont apologize to flatter your masculine gosh damn ego and pride. How about you apologize for making me feel like a monster! For thinking i am. My twin ALREADY apologized the same day right after the explosion and you sulked around like a coward. What would you expect on a new moon and solar eclipse and the ending and beginning of a brand new era! We where telling you all about it, you didnt want to "hear" any of it. You just want us to bow down to "john 3:16" and be as obsessed over it as you are.
I refuse to apologize, i did nothing "wrong". I am part human, if you dont have to apologize for being human like you portrayed that day, why do i?! I honored your home and wishes BY LEAVING, the only thing i know to do when i cant control my passion and expressive self and i feel my own triggers being flipped on as everyone else's around me is also. I know whats going on, i cant explain it to you unawakened bigots and its not "my fault" and i shouldnt have to own all the blame. I am not here condemn but im not here to take on Baggage that isnt mine and i will being around such negative energy! I know where the energy originated, i was open and loving and in a healing state of mind, being of SERVICE that God calls me to be; someone didnt like the healing techniques i was using and i felt resistance and ego within them long before any other "trigger" manifested. Not even minutes later i answer a phone call from my beloved and we both where having a huge miscommunication and hes stressed in the traffic; said individual with resistance got even more rigid from me cussing over a phone call (i usually try and keep my cussing to the bare minimum or none at all when visiting said people) I didnt feel welcome from that second forward and knew i wasnt in a good energy now to perform any sort of healing session on the main person i was there to be with. They dont seem to understand that i am an INDIVIDUALIST who doesn't give a rats ass if I'm in public and getting too "loud" or cuss and in general i FILTER myself constantly in the presence. I hate hiding who i am, any piece of me and im honestly sick of doing it
I am not angry, i have come to a point in self love that anger is not as much of a controlling demon in my energy body. am purging deep seeded SADNESS from continual rejection for being a hayoka empath which i CANNOT CONTROL and refuse to suppress because it IS A GIFT. I will no longer bow down to FUCKING masculine’s who continue to HIDE from themselves! Polarities just swapped, life will not be the same as it was the past 2,000 years! I am here to heal, and in the process unintentionally and often purposefully when in healing space i trigger peoples emotions whether positive or negative. I am not sorry that I embarrassed or offended "you". That is darkness within self that must be faced and i wont be dragged into it and blamed for it being mirrored to you. Being told i should apologize to "make peace" is fucked up because there was already an apology extended the same day and a letter written yesterday not yet sent in explanation as to what really happened behind the scenes of all the bull shit.
I am an ALFA Female, i dont tolerate this kind of shit and my twin doesn't either. Hes no ordinary masculine, hes an example of what they shall become! I will not be projected upon or made to feel like crap because i was razzed momentarily by multiple peoples negative thought forms and energies and my only way to deal with it is cussing like a sailor and raising my voice a bit. Send me to hell mother fuckers if thats the worst of me! Been there already i aint scared of it!!! You haven't even glimpsed the worst i can become! I often dont let it out, i leave before THEIR monsters take me over and im not even myself anymore! My twin flame is the only man i know it seems that doesn't run away when energies are chaotic and can recognize when this type of mirroring takes place
I wont apologize for who i am. I am that i am. I am proud to be the individual rebel God created me to be. Anyone who doesnt like it, theres an open door, strut your ass right on out of it and come back when your chakras are re-aligned!
I walked out your door and im choosing NOT to return because i will not choose to consciously empath a second time what i felt festering in that house and i now know isn't a figment of my imagination in the slightest ounce. I want no part in that crap and i wont trust any man easily i dont care how much they preach about Jesus. I will watch and observe. i dont care if your a regular church attending "nice" christian who does all these good works for others or someone who normally is an ass and plays the roll of a christian only to use it as a form of manipulation and dominance. Either way we all have darkness and what you fucking resist persists. Keep that resistance the fuck away from me because im here to evolve into the light, not fade into what once was my darkness
My direct action was simply to leave and thats what i did in this situation. I cannot take back the heated conversation i had on the phone With my beloved. He already apologized for what happened because of it. I do pay close attention to my words and actions, very close but being a hayoka empath things get complicated. I am responsible and i took responsibility for what WAS mine. The problem is they wont take responsibility for their own and it has become "psychic warfare" that i will not be drawn into. I wont engage with people who want to HIDE. I would rather leave than fan their ego and pride. My anger and sadness resides against those unwilling to put their walls down and admit to their true emotions; they would rather deny them and turn me into the monster for what they allow fester within their own cages that they DO have the opportunity to go within their hearts to find the key that will set themselves free.
im not looking for an apology, they simply need to take awareness to the plank in their eyes and if they refuse to, knowing personally that im sensitive i will make a boundary and NOT COME AROUND THEM. Because i dont EXPECT anything from them! Just as i stopped demanding my ex husband apologize for his affair years ago to right his "wrongs" i dont expect ANYONE in this situation to have to apologize. If they refuse to take accountability for their own energy ill fucking leave to solve that issue. I am not gunna sit here and force someone to evolve and grow when they are in utter resistance!
I do the whole shielding techniques, but i WORK DIFFERENTLY regardless! Its not something i can explain to you! what i am has nothing to do with "expecting" a specific response. It has to do with trying to help others come into consciousness that a "specific response" SHOULDNT be expected and demanded. That there should be allowance for expression of ALL emotions as long as no ones pointing a gun at one another and threatening their lives or getting abusive; we should be allowed to flow in the moment. I didnt do anything but have a phone call conversation and cuss a little, am annoyed they seem to still be demanding an apology from me when one was delivered. I got a "your a monster" in response when ALL I WANTED WAS MY MOM; not their dumb ass's to assume im some devil because i got razzed over the phone and im at a point in my life that i wont fucking put up with masculine’s claiming me as such because i have one god damn moment of "weakness".
I aint forcing shit right now im expressing myself and writing it out and trying to share MY TRUTH and experience. It BOTHERS ME SO MUCH BECAUSE IT STEMS BACK TO MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD AND THE REJECTION IVE ALWAYS RECEIVED FROM MY MOTHERS HUSBANDS AND WHEN I AM REJECTED SHE DOES NOTHING BUT HIDES AND DEFENDS THEM ULTIMATELY ABANDONING ME TIME AND TIME AGAIN BECAUSE I AM NOT THE SAINT PRINCESS SHE AND HER PRIDEFUL AND EGOTISTICAL HUSBANDS WISHES I WAS.
I am in the process of forgiving and letting go of all this past bull shit, of all emotions and attachments to suffering in my life. i told them that THAT VERY DAY what is happening in the cosmos and energy that day. That there was an era coming to and ending and a new era beginning. I played her the song my beloved composed for me called "the final chapter", i was desperately trying to show my mom that im trying to get through this shift in a balanced way and i wanted to help her relieve some of the past 19 years of bull shit she has trapped in her own body. I am finally setting boundaries in specific relationships in my life and either people will remain a part of it or they will not, its their choice. Ive detached from the need of their love and validation to accept and find value in myself for who i am and what God created me as
never mind i am fucking venting ill do it somewhere else for fucks sakes
March 3 2015-2016 8:12AM
So i found this post under todays memories from a year ago. I had read this article and wrote a very long article/response about it, i wanted to share it again because i still feel it speaks a lot to myself and possibly others. Comments? Lol
Having a sex toy doesnt open you up to this in my opinion. You can masturbate (without porn), its a natural human thing to do and studies show its healthy and needed. Though more so for men then women. I didnt even know what masturbation was until I was maybe 15. And still never had the motivation to touch myself in that way. Maybe im a freak of nature, but ive always been one who wished to walk in purity, (maybe its because im a VIRGO (virgin sign), regardless if I go to hell or heaven. Which I no longer even believe is what they make it seem in Christianity since Christianity doesnt take sciences, quantum physics or multidimensionality into account, nor can they continue fighting about evolution when new discoveries are being found as time goes by to prove it, and even aliens (who arent demons) are more and more being seen. They try to sever ALL avenues to commune with spirit (astral projection/travel, muscle testing, meditation, tarot cards) otherwise through prayer or pastors/preachers and fellowship, which is great but you dont NEED them to have a relationship of your own with God, nor is ONE book going to tell you ALL the truths about God or spirit without man trying to control you and their own ego in the process. The bible is old, and highly misinterpreted. I am more clearly directed by spirit/God with other resources (intuition) then I am when reading the bible, and I still have morals to live by that are universal. The bible leaves me MORE confused and disconnected from source after I practice divination with it then before. Im tired of arguing religion and it always coming down to being "saved". I have faith that can move mountains, but in my opinion Jesus cant save you, he was an EXAMPLE. you must learn to save yourself by focusing on your own HEART, and all Jesus did was SHOW how to do that and live in the "I AM" and Christ consciousness
My mom NEVER even discussed sex or masturbation with me and I was in the dark about sex most my life, had to figure it out on my own cuz all she'd ever say is not to ever do it until marriage and instill FEAR from Christianity into me. I was adamant to keep my virginity until I was married. Lets say I didnt wait but I did marry the only man I ever slept with after I was 18 and that lasted until HE had an affair. He was the one who introduced porn to me, and sex toys. I wanted nothing to do with them but allowed it for him. Yes now I have a few toys as up until this time in my life I could not reach an orgasm WITHOUT one (even while married!!!). I do not like porn, but I dont think its a SIN to have a sex toy/vibrators, and this guy is a bit over the top to instill fear into women trying to abstain from sexual intercourse, which isnt easy in and of itself (especially after you already have), and this is the alternative to release. Way to make someone be shoved into the dark and feel hopeless while trying to fight NATURAL physical hormones and instil FEAR of demons bombarding their lives as if they where actually DOING it with someone else and creating soul ties when they arent (which is an entirely different subject).
This article is bull shit to me. Its like no matter what you do or try to do the "right" thing, your screwed and the devil has his grasp on you in the eyes of a christian. Whether alone or with someone, it seems "sexual pleasure is evil".... WHICH IS WRONG and IGNORANT! People abuse it for reasons they should not, that doest mean it should be turned into something like this.
I dont think there is anything wrong with sexually pleasing yourself, and I hate that Christianity twists it into shit like this. Would you rather masterbate and release natural hormones in a safe manor rather than sleep with someone every time you have a NATURAL urge?! You arent BECOMING ONE FLESH WITH A FUCKING DILDO! Its like were supposed suppress any and all amount of FEELING and deny ourselves of it. Sorry but I opt out if I am forced to do this and live an "equilibrium" life which humanity was not intended. We CANNOT escape or deny the duality and physical aspects of this life, were meant to experience it and grow from it, NOT SUPPRESS IT. Why should we be forced to live in FEAR over it our whole lives or told its WRONG when its not, or that we will be punished in hell for eternity if we dont wait until "marriage", which that sacred union can be devalued and "vowed" with a lawyer these days. People pervert sex and marriage, it is a sacred thing and you arent sharing yourself with anyone (unless imo you use porn in a lustful mannerism, which imo DEGRADES women) during masterbation. If you have accepted the Christ Light into your life (Yeshuah/Jesus) then his spirit is ALWAYS with you and no other "spirit husband" can reside. This article is full of ignorance. Jesus is your temporary strength and husband on a soul level in any way you need, until your physical mate arrives. Would you say in that case that is wrong to make love whether that being physically or in spirit with your husband/wife, who at the time is Jesus. I know this sounds weird but NO, WERE ALREADY HIS BRIDE, if your using biblical terms, and so yes you can "make love" to Jesus. You have to REMOVE the concepts of male/female physicality in that case. Spirit has no "sexual gender" just like God so in a way Jesus is TRANSGENDER.
Just saying this article can be twisted in many ways and I have to say I hate the word Sin.
I believe in other lower vibrational spirits (demons), but I dont think from masterbation they would have allowance to simply enter and control your life. You can tell a demon at ANY time to LEAVE and they HAVE to, especially in the name of Jesus. You can ask protection from God, Jesus, Krishna, buddah (who are all masters who are strong enough to make them go away) and be safe. And yes "occult" like practices can open you up to such entities as well, IF YOU ARENT AWARE OF THEM and protecting yourself. Just because this opens you, doesnt mean its WRONG or to again LIVE IN FEAR OF IT. We are called to be open and receptive to spirit. Thats an entirely new world you have to learn to maneuver through, and yes there are dark forces that will try and trick you, but if you stay focused on the LIGHT and LOVE, you can sense them before they can manipulate you and make it known they arent welcome, and in LOVE tell them to leave. We are told not to live in fear, shame and doubt yet talking about sin, brings us exactly back to focusing and feeling those things over and over again. forcing us to forgive something of ourselves that only needs forgiveness to the opinions ad judgments of others, not for our own repentance and Self love and acceptance. There is said to be no condemnation or judgment but that is what it is. Thats all "confession of sins" is. Christianity contradicts itself in SO many ways, it makes me sick. This coming from someone who lived devout the majority of my life. I am devout to Jesus, the Love he proclaimed and living in integrity, but the bible itself...written by men....no, I cant blindly find faith in all it says.
"You are unconditionally loved, given mercy and forgiven"
IF
You consume yourself with fear, doubt and shame and repent to the Lord every day of your life based off of others egos and judgements telling you to do so
That's christianity in my experiences
we are supposed to find soul mates and create soul relationships in this life, astronomy and all those "occult" practices can tell you strait up if you are an equally YOKED couple based off your soul and personality compatibility and purpose, not based off of black and white text written eons ago when life is not at ALL the same, its evolved.
why can a pastor or saint access God and all his Truths and speak this truth but someone like me with the same integrity and love cannot because I see it in a different reality and use other tools besides just the bible to express Love and healing and forgiveness. Prophets arent ALL christian!!! Its the same messages from God WITHOUT inducing negative crap like fear, shame and guilt. I am as much a leader, minister and counselor as a pastor WITHOUT the bible and i am not the only one and It doesnt make us who are different EVIL/WRONG/WITCHES. At least I acknowledge the darkness, I dont live in FEAR of it because I know God is within me and Jesus... yes jesus and many OTHER GUIDES, protect and help me as I open up to the unknown! To me its christians who are being deceived and keeping themselves so by remaining in fear and speaking from Ego and blind outdated faith. Were supposed to EMBRACE THE NEW. how do you make a new life based on the old methods. "Insanity" is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Change does not happen when you keep believing or thinking the same things you used to and continuing the same cycle. Even the BIBLE states "you will be transformed through the RENEWING of your mind!"
Christianity expects you to "wait" and follow directions blindly, no idea what to expect. I felt I lived in the "dark" most my life as a christian, when Jesus is supposed to be LOVE and light. in the bible you are told how to act/behave what you can or cannot do, while following blindly to what it tells us, and yet we have "free will". If you use that free will and go against "the word of God" you then are forced to have to live in that guilt and shame of doing so forever around those who conditioned you to believe what they do, or your cast out. You dont grow these feelings from yourself, but others. That isnt even TRUE repentance. They act as if there is forgiveness there but its not real. Its an illusion of forgiveness while they continue to control you.
Anyways on that note, in any practice, you must invoke protection and YOU CHOOSE who can help and who cannot. You have to be aware enough to converse with other spirits and ONLY when they come through unconditional LOVE can they have any access beyond that. Some people are meant to be mediums, channelers and readers, they have the gift to do this and help others do so as well. Some people are not yet in connection with their higher intuition or Self and until they are .those others are who NEED to be careful when venturing into the ethers alone. those who do not believe in reincarnation or past lives, which is reality, are stuck in such petrified fear, they only see the darkness because of the fear that this lie is the only one they have and if they don't do it "right" they will go to hell. This is such a negative belief to limit yourself with when God made us limitless!
The souls in fear of discovering themSelves and the true love of God, are the ones who are most likely to become possessed because of their fear! You assume a spirit or angel is "evil" when it first appears and order it to go away, so they leave. Then your guardian demon sees you are left vulnerable, no help so it is forced to takeover completely to try and stabilize you again. People who "mess around" without wisdom in these areas, can welcome in very unwelcome entities especially when they mistaken there angel and cast them away. I have learned we have guardian angels but we also have guardian demons, they both serve a purpose and help us in their own ways, but we need them both. They are a part of God, all of it, and you can live in fear of that or embrace it. I choose to not live in fear, or in Such a barbaric mindset any longer.
So if im asked do I believe in sin and that any certain "act" defined in the bible as a "sin" will send you to heaven or hell... no I dont but I do believe in Karma and what energy you give out and radiate will be returned and mirrored back to you. Law of attraction. Go ahead and defile the temple and vessel the Lord gave you, you can choose to rape, murder, control and abuse the power God gave you, but believe me, you will have to take accountability for that in another life and will feel the pain of such in return. I am... in my past lives I was a man who didnt give a fuck if I hurt anyone, I lived selfishly and in ego of my power that I am very aware of in my life now and told I am to allow myself to use, but in awareness of how even I at one point abused myself (we all have). in the past lives id have people murder other people. The thought of having my ex husband murdered in this life, came to me often, I even manifested men capable of doing so... but something deep inside me, perhaps learning my lessons in my past, has told me NO, that is not the way to solve anything, or change this world. Plus my kids would be traumatised. I believe I brought what I have experienced with him in this life upon myself, from my past actions. Weve lived 5 past lives together in a tit for tat of bondage, and maybe that derived from something I karmatically started, who knows. Either way, All I know in this life is that I cannot cast blame on anyone else for anything, but take responsibility for mySelf, and live in the knowing that we both come from God, and use that pain I experienced as strength to keep moving forward and inspire others to change how they treat others and even themselves and live in integrity and Love. In This life I won't be judging, killing or condemning anyone, I wont be using violence or manipulation to solve problems, nor do I need to force "my will" to get what I need/want for I have come to place in life where I naturally find a blessing around the corner waiting for me out of synchronicity for following spirit. I find the SOUL-ution. I will also not live in continual fear and suppress who I AM and the gifts GOD GAVE TO ME, because other people dont understand it. They will someday, thats all that matters. In the meantime I am coming to a karmatic completion of my own, and learning to do things through Love like Yeshua did.
I think the only true "evil" that exists, is the Ego... and its bringing death to that ego, that we truly find the light and truth within our own hearts, which is where GOD WILL ALWAYS SIT ON HIS THROWN, and you have the direct access you need to be with Source at any given time.
Do I believe in love and integrity and becoming a way shower like Jesus was for consciousness... yes. Am I still under the enslavement or belief of "sin", I dont thinj I am and I only wish to dig others out if this negative belief.
Like my father to me said
"YOU CAME OUT VIBRATING AND PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT."
Dang strait because I go beyond their conditioning, beyond my own conditioning forced through them (my dad stopped them, refused to put me on ritilan as a child and allowed me to be the FREE SPIRIT that I AM, (I am a strong willed and stubborn one at that) he saw my soul, and that it was not a young and naive one, it is OLD, IT IS ANCIENT, and hes allowed me to SHINE)
I came out to be a catalyst for consciousness and to help others see things they cannot under the veil we are under. An apocalypse is THE UNVEILING OF TRUTH, we are living in the midst of a great shift in energy. THE OLD energy is fighting with everything its got, but will not survive.
I have never fit in with my family or with other strict structured systems, and even as christian I couldn't fully defend its belief structure when "confronted" in my own faith. I would repeat everything my mom "told" me to. I cannot do so anymore. I may be stubborn and willful, but for good reason, and its not a battle with my own flesh or wants, its because the current structures of control need to be demolished and new life to be built. That comes with a NEW MIND. Its my stubborn faith and connection with GOD/Source, and my want to fulfil he/shes will in life, which is RADIATING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, that will nurture the change that is to come
March 3 2015
Soooooo TIRED of religion. Stop talking about sin, im tired of hearing low vibrational bull crap such as it. I wish to ABOLISH the word!
Where at all does UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and GRACE, fit in with guilt, shame and fear which the thought of "sin" always brings you back to the cycle of FEELING these things when we are told to LOVE OURSELVES AS GOD DOES EVERY ONE OF HIS CHILDREN.
People focus entirely too much on SIN rather then RENEWING THEIR MIND AND BEING TRANSFORMED from the inside out.
Sin is part of the ILLUSION that you still cant comprehend is LYING in front of your own eyes. Break free of it, and you become limitless in giving and receiving love all around you. The TRUE Love that God (your Self) wishes you to discover and be of its full consciousness
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